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Agree or disagree? Parents today are more involved in their children's education than parents were in the past. v.1

Agree or disagree? Parents today are more involved in their children's education than parents were in the past. v. 1
In this highly competitive era of 21st century, increasing demand of the oil and gas are at the peak than ever. However, some continents have been motivated their people to use renewable energy like solar and wind. In my opinion, it is a positive development for the whole world. There are ample reasons behind this positive trend. First of all, using alternative sources of energy, we can minimize the effect of the global warming and ozone layer depletion. Secondly, Nowadays many countries, governments provide subsidies to individuals for using solar panels. For instance, the Indian government started a scheme where the government provides 75% installing cost of solar panels to the people. This is an indeed welcome step. Thirdly, I think this a time when all over the world needs to think and encourage to use of alternative power sources because with the increasing need of the fossil fuels, our next generation may be have lack of nonrenewable energy sources. On the other hand, some people argue that initial and maintenance everything cost of the solar panels and other power sources are very high. They also argue that in today's most countries economies mainly depend on fossil fuels like oil and gas. If these countries influences their people to use alternative sources, then maybe they loose main source of the income. Which leads inflation inside a nation. In conclusion, I do admit that nonrenewable power sources have become internal and main part of most of the continents, but for the reducing pollution and global warming, this is the perfect time to utilize renewable sources to save the earth.
In this
highly
competitive era of 21st century, increasing demand of the oil and gas are at the peak than ever.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
continents have
been motivated
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
renewable energy like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solar
and wind. In my opinion, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development for the whole world.

There are ample reasons behind this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, using alternative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
of energy, we can minimize the effect of the global warming and ozone layer depletion.
Secondly
,

Nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
provide subsidies to individuals for using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solar
panels.
For instance
, the Indian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
a scheme where the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
provides 75% installing cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solar
panels to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This is an
indeed
welcome step.
Thirdly
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this a time when all over the world needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and encourage to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of alternative power
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
with the increasing need of the fossil fuels, our
next
generation may be
Consider using the past participle "had"?
have
lack of nonrenewable energy sources.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that initial and maintenance everything cost of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solar
panels and other power
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high. They
also
argue that in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's most countries economies
mainly
depend on fossil fuels like oil and gas. If these countries influences their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
alternative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
, then maybe they loose main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of the income.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
leads inflation inside a nation.

In conclusion
, I do admit that nonrenewable power
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
have become internal and main part of most of the continents,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for the reducing pollution and global warming, this is the perfect time to utilize renewable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sources
to save the earth.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Agree or disagree? Parents today are more involved in their children's education than parents were in the past. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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