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Agree or disagree about celebrities high incom

Agree or disagree about celebrities high incom LLyE1
Several people considered that if you have a harder profession You should have greater income either. therefore they acknowledge some jobs are unreasonably overpaid and those who have these jobs don't deserve amounts. One group of them whose earning controversial is celebrities. in my opinion, they deserve it and I will explain why in this task. First of all, famous artists are well paid cause they have thousands and in some cases millions who are keen on them. they are willing to spend a lot of money to see their movie, attend their concert or buying their artistic works with complete satisfying, for example, Taylor swift's 2018 concert tour was attended by at least 50, 000 people per show and it turns to the best-selling North American tour. so they earn a lot because they tried for their career and want to get our attention and we want to pay that much. Another noticeable point is the number of celebrities who reach to the significant accomplishment are fewer than it seems. so they should try very hard to get this level of prosperity and fame. that's why If you take a look at Hollywood you will understand many stars who became popular at one point but suddenly faded away based on the points mentioned above, it would appear that this is not an occupation you earn money easily and be a flawless idol due to that they deserve this amount of money. To sum up, most of the celebrities are hard work and very good at entertaining us. it's not their fault other careers don't have enough income, this issue is related to the injustice of society and that's why I am entirely against this view.
Several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
considered that if you have a harder profession You should have greater income either.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
therefore
they acknowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs are
unreasonably
overpaid and those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have these jobs don't deserve amounts. One group of them whose earning controversial is celebrities.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
my opinion, they deserve it and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why in this task.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
artists are well paid
Did you mean "because they"?
cause they
have thousands and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases millions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are keen on them.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
are willing to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their movie, attend their concert or buying their artistic works with complete satisfying,
for example
,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Taylor swift
's 2018 concert tour
was attended
by at least 50, 000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
per
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
and it turns to the best-selling North American tour.
Use a comma before 'so' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
so
they earn a lot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they tried for their career and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
attention and
we want to pay that much.

Another noticeable point is the number of celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
reach to the significant accomplishment are fewer than it seems.
Use a comma before 'so' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
so
they should try
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
this level of prosperity and fame.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
that
's why If you take a look at Hollywood you will understand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
stars
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
became popular at one point
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
suddenly
faded away based on the points mentioned above, it would appear that this is not an occupation you earn money
easily
and be a flawless idol due to that they deserve this amount of money.

To sum up, most of the celebrities are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at entertaining us. it's not their fault other careers don't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
income, this issue
is related
to the injustice of society and that's why I am
entirely
against this view.
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IELTS essay Agree or disagree about celebrities high incom

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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