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Adult youth are often called up for working for the development of communities .Some people they should work voluntary,whereas other say that they should get paid .Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Adult youth are often called up for working for the development of communities. Some people they should work voluntary, whereas other say that they should get paid. EEGQ
It is argued by some individuals that youngster are encourage to engaged in progression of community with free of cost, while other opine that they should be paid. This essay will analyze both the views, and what I believe is that they need to do volunteering without money. To embark on, the benefits of having work in community for adolescence on paid basis makes them more independent financially, so that they do not need to depend on their parents. As youth become independent it will reduce financial burden to their family in terms of their higher study. Also, they can manage their own daily expenses as well as tuition fees for the higher studies. In addition, they work hard if they are paid and don’t have to squander time in search of job. For instance, in Nepal those who finished their undergraduate doctor had to do volunteer in remote village as the part of their study, and for that they are paid. On the other hand, many section of society think that serving their community is their responsibility and they cannot compare community service with money because it is the youth who can help people in society without their personal benefits. It also make them the responsible citizen of the country and later it will help in the personal and professional benefits. For instance, rather than focusing their qualifications nowadays many NGOs are seeking for those candidate who have worked in the society without personal motive. On the top of that they will develop communication skill and increase the network, which will play vital part in their future business due to the fact that these days networking is the biggest asset. In conclusion, we cannot deny the fact that paid work encourage to work harder, but at the same time youth should play primary role in the development of society rather than personal development.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals that youngster are
Consider using a past participle here: "encouraged".
encourage
to
Did you mean "engage"?
engaged
in progression of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
with free of cost, while other opine that they should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
. This essay will analyze both the views, and what I believe is that they need to
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go volunteering".
do volunteering
without money.

To embark on, the benefits of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
for adolescence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
basis
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more independent
financially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not need to depend on their parents.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
youth become independent it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
financial burden to their family in terms of their higher study.
Also
, they can manage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
daily expenses
as well
as tuition fees for the higher studies.
In addition
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
if they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
and don’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
squander time in search of job.
For instance
, in Nepal those who finished their undergraduate doctor had to do volunteer in remote village as the part of their study, and for that they
are paid
.

On the other hand
,
Possible agreement error. The noun section seems to be countable; consider using: "many sections".
many section
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that serving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
is their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
responsibility and
they cannot compare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
service with money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is the youth who can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
without their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
benefits. It
also
Did you mean "makes"?
make
them the responsible citizen of the country and later it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
and professional benefits.
For instance
,
rather
than focusing their qualifications nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
NGOs are seeking for
Did you mean "this candidate" or "those candidates"?
those candidate
who have worked in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
motive. On the top of that they will develop communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and increase the network, which will play vital part in their future business due to the fact that these days networking is the biggest asset.

In conclusion
, we cannot deny the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
encourage to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time youth should play primary role in the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
development.
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IELTS essay Adult youth are often called up for working for the development of communities. Some people they should work voluntary, whereas other say that they should get paid.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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