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A successful sports person can earn a great deal of money than people in other important professions. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Some people think that it is fully justified while others think that it is unfair.

A successful sports person can earn a great deal of money than people in other important professions. Some people think that it is fully justified while others think that it is unfair. gOGg
Nowadays, highly successful sports athletes are being paid more than people involved in other professions. However, while some consider this trend to be uneven as other important professionals work for longer periods, I agree with those who argue that sportsmen are well worthy of earning more than others because they spread happiness among many people. On the one hand, individuals in important professions work for longer hours, so some think that they should be earning more than athletes. For example, doctors work day and night to treat patients and carry out critical operations whereas players only play for a limited amount of time. Even though doctors work more number of hours, they earn very less than highly rated sports professionals. Thus, the amount they receive is unequal. On the other hand, I believe that successful sport athletes are deserving enough to earn such sums. The reason for this is that the amount of effort they put to entertain their fans is immense and also they spread happiness. If a team or a player wins a game, then their fans will be happy. In contrast, doctors treat few people and they may get satisfied but successful sportsmen have massive fan base so they satisfy a larger number of people when they perform well. As a result of spreading entertainment to huge number of people they should be earning more than others. In conclusion, although individuals working in other profession work more than players, I opine that successful sportsmen provide entertainment and give satisfaction to many people so they are deserving enough to earn huge amounts.
Nowadays,
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
sports athletes are
being paid
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions.
However
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consider this trend to be uneven as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
professionals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for longer periods, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who argue that sportsmen are well worthy of earning more than others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spread happiness among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the one hand, individuals in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
professions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for longer hours,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they should be earning more than athletes.
For example
, doctors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
day and night to treat patients and carry out critical operations whereas players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
play for a limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of time.

Even though
doctors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more number of hours, they earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less than
highly
rated sports professionals.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
they receive is unequal.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
sport athletes
The verb 'deserving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are deserving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to earn such sums.
The reason for this is
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
of effort they put to entertain their fans is immense and
also
they spread happiness. If a team or a player wins a game, then their fans will be happy.

In contrast
, doctors treat few
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people and
they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
satisfied
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
sportsmen have massive fan base
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they satisfy a larger number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when they perform well.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result of spreading entertainment to huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they should be earning more than others.

In conclusion
, although individuals working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
profession
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more than players, I opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
sportsmen provide entertainment and give satisfaction to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
The verb 'deserving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are deserving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to earn huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amounts
.
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IELTS essay A successful sports person can earn a great deal of money than people in other important professions. Some people think that it is fully justified while others think that it is unfair.

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
264 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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