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A lot of children are playing sports these days.do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

A lot of children are playing sports these days. do advantages outweigh the disadvantages? lWpwX
It is an undeniable fact that, sports play a major part in improving our physical and mental fitness. i believe that the merits of playing games to make fitter and stronger and learn various skills overshadow the demerits. which i will discuss in upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, there are certain drawbacks of playing games which are undeniable. first and foremost, injury detected. To clarify this point, injury is one of the prominent sport problem which usually has when people play sports. while doing some spots player get injured. Boxing as an example, if someone punch on player's liver it is also can become cause of liver damage. Moreover, some sports are expensive which are not affordable for everyone. especially, underprivileged. Like tennis and golf which not only required playing places but also need expensive things such as coaching equipment or club fee. On the other hand, there are numerous merits of playing sports which are more important. First of all, healthier. To clarify this point, when children playing sports they not only become fitter and stronger but also they avoid sedentary lifestyle. Because nowadays, the large number of youngers like to play indoor games like video games and they become lazy and suffer from health issues such as obesity. In contrast, when children play games like football, cricket. They are learning several social and management skills like teamwork as well as descipline. To conclude, although there are various demerits of playing sports such as, injury risk and expensiveness. However, the innumerable merits like healthier and avoid sedentary lifestyle are much more prominent in my opinion.
It is an undeniable fact that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
a major part in improving our physical and mental fitness.
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
believe that the merits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
fitter and stronger and learn various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
overshadow the demerits.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
which
Did you mean "I"?
i
will discuss in upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand, there are certain drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which are undeniable.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
first
and foremost, injury detected. To clarify this point, injury is one of the prominent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
problem which
usually
has when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
while
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "spots'" or "spot's"?
spots
player
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
injured. Boxing as an example, if someone
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "punches", "punched".
punch
on player's liver it is
also
can become cause of liver damage.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are expensive which are not affordable for everyone.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
especially
, underprivileged. Like tennis and golf which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
places
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
need expensive things such as coaching equipment or club fee.
On the other hand
, there are numerous merits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
which are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, healthier. To clarify this point, when children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
become fitter and stronger
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they avoid sedentary lifestyle.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
nowadays, the large number of
Possible spelling mistake found.
youngers
like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like video
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
games and
they become lazy and suffer from health issues such as obesity.
In contrast
, when children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like football, cricket. They are learning several social and management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like teamwork
as well
as
Possible spelling mistake found.
descipline
.
To conclude
, although there are various demerits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as, injury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
and expensiveness.
However
, the innumerable merits like healthier and avoid sedentary lifestyle are much more prominent in my opinion.

IELTS essay A lot of children are playing sports these days. do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
267 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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