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A great number of people strongly claim that children of families who reach the age of 18should be required to leave the family and live independently. To what extend do you agree or disagree. Support your position with examples

A great number of people strongly claim that children of families who reach the age of 18should be required to leave the family and live independently. Support your position with examples Nryqy
Many people hold a view that adolescents over eighteen years old are obligated to leave their family and earn a living for themselves. Although I understand that those citizens have adequate rights to make their own decisions, this essay takes issue with the view mentioned because of the reasons below. On the one hand, people in favour of individualism argue that the teenagers acquire eligibility to pursue their passion and take responsibility for their choices. If the young live with their family too long, they might become the burdens whilst they could dedicate to themselves and society when they live and subsist independently. On the other hand, I suppose that there is likelihood that the youngsters are subjected to the laws and punishments for those have no privilege which they used to obtain when they were a child. To illustrate this case, courts could pass a capital sentence to adult murders while younger defendants have just received a prison one. Accordingly, the adolescents should stay with the family to be taught and protected until they acquire fully aware of life along with having sufficiently soft skills. Besides, I realize that it is of great importance for the young to be supported by the parents to receive higher education when they graduate from their high school rather than making their own living too early. In comparison with graduates, people without academic certificates are usually predominated in the competitive society. Moreover, the family is the warmest place in the world in which people always find solace. Therefore the youngsters will suffer from depression if they are forced to live apart from their home. Subsequently weighing all the aforementioned, I firmly believe that it is more plausible for the youngster continue to live with their family after they come to the age of eighteen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold a view that adolescents over eighteen years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
are obligated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and earn a living for themselves. Although I understand that those citizens have adequate rights to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions, this essay takes issue with the view mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reasons below.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of individualism argue that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
acquire eligibility to pursue their passion and take responsibility for their choices. If the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
too long, they might become the burdens whilst they could dedicate to themselves and society when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
and subsist
independently
.
On the other hand
, I suppose that there is likelihood that the youngsters
are subjected
to the laws and punishments for those have no privilege which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to obtain when they were a child. To illustrate this case, courts could pass a capital sentence to adult murders while younger defendants have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
received a prison one.
Accordingly
, the adolescents should stay with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to
be taught
and protected until they acquire
fully
aware of life along with having
sufficiently
soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Besides
, I realize that it is of great importance for the young to
be supported
by the parents to receive higher education when they graduate from their high school
rather
than making their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
living too early.
In comparison
with graduates,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without academic certificates are
usually
predominated in the competitive society.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the warmest place in the world in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always find solace.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the youngsters will suffer from depression if they
are forced
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
apart from their home.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Subsequently
weighing all the aforementioned, I
firmly
believe that it is more plausible for the youngster continue to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
after they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to the age of eighteen
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IELTS essay A great number of people strongly claim that children of families who reach the age of 18should be required to leave the family and live independently. Support your position with examples

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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