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Some people think that family life and parents have a great influence on children's development. While others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children's life. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some people think that family life and parents have a great influence on children's development. While others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children's life. Discuss both views and give your opinion 3aLyw
Nowadays, childrens easily influence by what they observe. Most of people believe that in children's development family life and parents are more influence bon their role. However, others think that children's easily attract to by external influences and they play important role in their development. In my opinion, I believe that because of hectic schedule parents not give their proper time to their childrens and that's why children's easily influence to the external ways. On the one hand, parents are first teacher to their child's. Because parents are know for the abilities for their children and that's why they encourage to their children easily. However, Children easily catch the things by what their parents doing and that was great impact to the children's development. For example, If the children's parents were army officer they must know about the rules and regulations and also discipline. On the other hand, Due to the technological and social media world children's find their influencer on various ways and they easily attract them and blindly follow them. For example, many children's in their little age find their influencer in tv actors, model, crickets and so on. And they follow their lifestyle and working pattern blindly. To conclude, both are important role to the children's development internal or external. But, In my opinion, I believe that children's easily attract and influence to external ways such as their friends and their role model.
Nowadays,
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
by what they observe. Most of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
family life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
Possible spelling mistake found.
bon
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
.
However
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
attract to by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
influences and
they play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. In my opinion, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of hectic schedule
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
not give their proper time to their
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
and that's why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
ways. On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
first
teacher to their child's.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are know for the abilities for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and that's why they encourage to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
catch the things by what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
doing and that was great impact to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
For example
, If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were army officer they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
know about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations and
also
discipline.
On the other hand
, Due to the technological and social media world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
find their influencer on various
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ways and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
attract them and
blindly
follow them.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
in their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
age find their influencer in
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
actors, model, crickets and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. And they follow their lifestyle and working pattern
blindly
.
To conclude
, both are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
internal or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, In my opinion, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
easily
attract and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
external
ways such as their friends and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
model.

IELTS essay Some people think that family life and parents have a great influence on children's development. While others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children's life. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
236 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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