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6. Diabetes and obesity increased

6. Diabetes and obesity increased 0E3A1
Diabetes and obesity is a problem that affect children mostly, both not just influence in children body development, also affects in their emotional health and social interaction. Diabetes damage not only pancreas but also kidneys, sight, blood circulation, and other body parts; likewise obesity. A number of people started to be conscious about the importance of improve the food sold in school, various years ago, persons in charge of this stores just offered one healthy food, a sandwich, salad or chillidogs. But the amount of chips, cokes, and candys has been always higher. I am agree to make changes in children nutrition, furthermore, I believe this changes need to be applied in every place, parents must limit the quantity of sugar and processed food, restaurants could offer other options for children than coke or juice. In my own experience, I am a person with obesity who is fighting with bad habits, also I am a person who have high risk to inherit diabetes because of my family.
Diabetes and obesity is a problem that affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mostly
, both not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
influence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
body development,
also
affects in their emotional health and social interaction. Diabetes damage not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
pancreas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
kidneys, sight, blood circulation, and other body parts;
likewise
obesity.

A number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to be conscious about the importance of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the food sold in school, various years ago, persons in charge of
Did you mean "these"?
this
stores
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
offered one healthy food, a sandwich, salad or
Possible spelling mistake found.
chillidogs
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the amount of chips, cokes, and
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "candies", the plural form of the noun 'candy'?
candys
has been always higher.

I am
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nutrition,
furthermore
, I believe this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
need to
be applied
in every place, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
limit the quantity of sugar and processed food, restaurants could offer other options for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than coke or juice. In my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience, I am a person with obesity who is fighting with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits,
also
I am a person who have high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to inherit diabetes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of my family.
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IELTS essay 6. Diabetes and obesity increased

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
167 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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