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27. Many people believe that majority of children in western countries are being obese. Is it true? Agree or disagree. Give reasons and examples. v.2

27. Many people believe that majority of children in western countries are being obese. Is it true? Agree or disagree. Give reasons and examples. v. 2
Obesity has become one of the health issues worldwide in the contemporary era. Many people opine that it is not only affects adults, but also the youth in western nations. I totally agree their view and the essay will discuss this view with examples. Nowadays, researches indicate that more children are overweight or obese worldwide and this trend will continue to be upward. This may be resulted from unhealthy eating habits,  easy access to fast food, extremely busy lifestyles etc. For example, fast food, such as pizza, hamburgers, fried chicken, etc. , is not only children's favourite choice but also parents' because it is delicious for children and is convenient and cheap for parents. Moreover, many parents seldom cook for their children due to their hectic lifestyles and busy work schedules. However, too much high-calorie food, such as sweeties or cakes will cause obesity among children. Finally,  food was no longer as safe as those in the past. For instance, poultries fed with steroid-contained food may also contribute children's obesity. In addition, lack of exercises and unhealthy lifestyle also lead to obese children as well. Novel digital gadgets keep children occupied on their interest in playing video games, watching TV, surfing online, etc. . The long-screen time will reduce their outdoor activities and contribute to a sedentary lifestyle which will cause children obese. For example, researches indicate that children who spent more than two hours on screen daily will develop obesity. Moreover, mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety also dominate the youth. Medications for treating these diseases also cause obesity as well. In conclusion, obesity has been treated as one of  the chronic diseases worldwide. The high percentage of children are obese due to the above reasons. Obesity even worsens children's confidence and competency; therefore, parents and educators should guide children exercise and reduce the screen time in order to protect our future generation.
Obesity has become one of the health issues worldwide in the contemporary era.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affects adults,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the youth in western nations. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
their view and the essay will discuss this view with examples.

Nowadays, researches indicate that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are overweight or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
worldwide and this trend will continue to be upward. This may
be resulted
from unhealthy eating habits,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
easy access to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
extremely
busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
etc.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, such as pizza, hamburgers, fried chicken, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
parents'
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is delicious for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and is convenient and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
 for parents.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents seldom cook for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
due to their hectic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
and busy work schedules.
However
, too much high-calorie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, such as sweeties or cakes will cause obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 food
was no longer as safe as those in the past.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
poultries
fed with steroid-contained food may
also
contribute children's obesity.

In addition
, lack of exercises and unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
also
lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
. Novel digital gadgets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
occupied on their interest in playing video games, watching TV, surfing online, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
The long-screen time will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their outdoor activities and contribute to a sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
which will cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
.
For example
, researches indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who spent more than two hours on screen daily will develop obesity.
Moreover
, mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety
also
dominate the youth. Medications for treating these diseases
also
cause obesity
as well
.

In conclusion
, obesity has
been treated
as one of
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
the chronic diseases worldwide. The high percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
due to the above reasons. Obesity even worsens children's confidence and competency;
therefore
, parents and educators should guide children exercise and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the screen time in order to protect our future generation.
21Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 27. Many people believe that majority of children in western countries are being obese. Is it true? Agree or disagree. Give reasons and examples. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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