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15. Talk about a time when you experienced success. Describe the experienceand say why it was a success for you. v.1

15. Talk about a time when you experienced success. Describe the experienceand say why it was a success for you. v. 1
In recent times, the issue of courses studied in tertiary institutions has been a topic for debate. Some believe that all students in university should study what they like, while others opine that they should only be permitted to read subjects that will be of benefit in the future such as those relating to science and technology. To begin with, those who feel students should study whatever they like seeing it as a basic right, that every individual should have the freedom to decide what's of interest to them and move ahead to learn about it. These students would be happier in school, as research has shown that people who had the liberty to choose their course were three times less likely to drop out of college. However, there's the issue of unemployment in the future, as some of these courses that students freely run to are becoming less and less relevant by the day. For instance a research carried out in Lagos showed that 80% of all sociology graduates ended up being unemployed as against an employment rate of 90% about 30 years ago. Furthermore, it would be a waste of money spending time in university doing a course that might not be so useful. With tuition fees increasing by more than 300% over a period of 10 years and student loans becoming increasingly difficult to pay off, therefore, it would be unreasonable to spend time studying a course that wouldn't guarantee employment. In conclusion, it is ideal that a everyone be able to make a choice on what field one wants to delve into, but unfortunately the present economy might not afford one that luxury. Hence, in my opinion all prospective students should learn what would be useful.
In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, the issue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
studied in tertiary institutions has been a topic for debate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in university should study what they like, while others opine that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be permitted
to read subjects that will be of benefit in the future such as those relating to science and technology.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, those who feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should study whatever they like seeing it as a basic right, that every individual should have the freedom to decide what's of interest to them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
ahead to learn about it. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would be happier in school, as research has shown that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who had the liberty to choose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
were three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
less likely to drop out of college.

However
, there's the issue of unemployment in the future, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
freely
run to are becoming less and less relevant by the day.
For instance
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
carried out in Lagos
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that 80% of all sociology graduates ended up
being unemployed
as against an employment rate of 90% about 30 years ago.

Furthermore
, it would be a waste of money spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in university doing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
that might not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
useful. With tuition fees increasing by more than 300% over a period of 10 years and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
loans becoming
increasingly
difficult to pay off,
therefore
, it would be unreasonable to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
studying a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
that wouldn't guarantee employment.

In conclusion
, it is ideal that
Possible typo. Did you mean "a" or "everyone"?
a everyone
The pronoun 'everyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "is", "was", "were".
be
able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a choice on what field one wants to delve into,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unfortunately the present economy might not afford one that luxury.
Hence
, in my opinion all prospective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should learn what would be useful.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 15. Talk about a time when you experienced success. Describe the experienceand say why it was a success for you. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
290 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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