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What kind of things make people of various ages them most happy?

What kind of things make people of various ages them most happy? nVB6g
The pie charts below illustrate that what kind of things make people of various ages them most happy. It is noticeable that the proportion of people who are under 30 ages are interested in achievement at work, and this portion is 31% while part of people who are over 30, they also focus on their career, however this chart’s percent is 32. Whereas, having a good appearance makes people happy who are under 30 ages, that percent is 18, on the other hand, having a strong financial security makes people happy who are over 30 ages and this indicator is 20 %. Looking at the charts, other pie charts are not different from each other a lot. In fact, achieving an attainment at work is really significant for both ages. Hence, that is quite essential for both of them. That shows their social status. They are willing to get promotion and find a suitable position for themselves. So the average rate is over 30 percent. That makes them extremely happy and they feel that as if all world belong them. So, the average rate is over 30 percent. However, having a beautiful appearance is necessary for people who are under 30. They consider that if they have eye-catching look, they will be one step ahead. Thus, this feature makes them happy and the percent is 18%. Nevertheless this number is a bit various for some group of people who are good at financial security. Therefore, that is completely important for people who are over 30. Although these averages are close with each other, but that is 20% Paying attention to the other charts, it is obvious that, doing hobbies are more significant for younger people than older. Eventuallty, the percent of doing hobbies at leisure time is 22. By the help of these hobbies, they can be jubilant. However, for older people other factors make them happy and this activity accounted the last proportion for people who over 30. This number is shown 10 %. Being together with family makes older people happy, whereas traveling is more necessary for people who are under 30 and this percent is 22.
The pie
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charts
below illustrate that what kind of things
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make
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people
of various
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ages
them most happy.

It is noticeable that the proportion of
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people
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who
are under 30
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ages
are interested
in achievement at work, and this portion is 31% while part of
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people
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who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
30, they
also
focus on their career,
however
this
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chart’s
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percent
is 32. Whereas, having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
appearance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are under 30
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ages
, that
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percent
is 18, on the
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other
hand, having a strong financial security
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makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
and this indicator is 20 %. Looking at the
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charts
,
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other
pie
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charts
are not
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different
from each
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other
a lot.

In fact, achieving an attainment at work is
really
significant for both
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ages
.
Hence
,
that is
quite essential for both of them. That
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
their social status. They are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotion and find a suitable position for themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the average rate is
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over
30
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percent
. That
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makes
them
extremely
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
happy and
they feel that as if all world belong them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the average rate is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
.
However
, having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
appearance is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are under 30. They consider that if they have eye-catching look, they will be one step ahead.
Thus
, this feature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and the
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percent
is 18%.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nevertheless
this number is a bit various for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at financial security.
Therefore
,
that is
completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
30. Although these averages are close with each
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other
,
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but
that is
20%

Paying attention to the
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other
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charts
, it is obvious that, doing hobbies are more significant for younger
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people
than older.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Eventuallty
, the
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percent
of doing hobbies at leisure time is 22. By the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of these hobbies, they can be jubilant.
However
, for older
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and this activity accounted the last proportion for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
30. This number
is shown
10 %. Being together with family
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makes
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, whereas traveling is more necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are under 30 and this
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percent
is 22.
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IELTS academic What kind of things make people of various ages them most happy?

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
359 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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