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par chart for online sales sector in Canada between 2005 and 2010

par chart for online sales sector in Canada between 2005 and 2010 DNO66

The following par chart, represent the differences between online sales in retail department in Canada on 2005 and 2010. It’s clear from the picture that the online sales have been change and get bigger over the years. The Showed graph, clearly classify the retail sector in four section in both years which is food and beverage, Electronics and appliance, one furniture, and video game. First, it’s obvious from the graph that the food and beverage in 2005 was 22% which increase to 32% in 2010. On the other hand, electronic and appliance have been decrees from 35% to 30% which is weird. On the other side the difference between the video game buyers have been raise from 18% to 23% which is a huge changes. At the end we see that home furniture buyers decrees from 25% to 15% which is predictable.

The following par chart, represent the differences between online sales in retail department in Canada on 2005 and 2010. It’s This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :apparent
clear
 from the picture that the online sales have been This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :alteradjust
change
 and This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :acquire
get
 bigger over the years.

The This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :demonstratedportrayedindicateddisplayed
Showed
 graph, clearly
 classify the retail sector in four Possible agreement error. The noun 'section' seems to be countable, so consider using: "sections".sections
section
 in both years which is food and beverage, Electronics and appliance, one furniture, and video game.

First
, it’s obvious from the graph that the food and beverage in 2005 was 22% which increase to 32% in 2010. On the other hand
, electronic and appliance have been decrees from 35% to 30% which is weird. On the other side the difference between the video game buyers have been raise from 18% to 23% which is a huge Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "change"?change
changes
. At the This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :expiration
end
 we This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :witness
see
 that home furniture buyers decrees from 25% to 15% which is predictable. 

IELTS academic par chart for online sales sector in Canada between 2005 and 2010

Academic

American English

3 paragraphs

142 words

This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1

4.0

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
?
One main idea per paragraph
?
Include an introduction and conclusion
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Support main points with an explanation and then an example
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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Vary your linking phrases using synonyms

Lexical Resource: 6.5

Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
Check your writing for errors

Task Achievement: 5.5

Answer all parts of the question
?
Present relevant ideas
Fully explain these ideas
?
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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