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weight assessment of inhabitants of Newtown in 2010

weight assessment of inhabitants of Newtown in 2010 Wnw5q
The bar chart illustrates the information about the weight range of different age groups of people dwelling in Newtown in the year 2010 and I’ll describe it by dividing them to below and over 49 years old. Overall, it stands out from the graph that highest proportion of residents in this town have and ideal weight, while obesity has a direct relationship with the age. Regarding youth (those in their 20-29), remarkably higher percentage of them at 70% are in desirable weight range than those being underweight at 20%, whereas even this proportion of malnourished is far too higher than other age groups. Also, obesity rate at nearly 3% seems not quit as high as overweight percentage at 7%, although both are negligible in comparison with ideal ones. With respect to the age group of 30-39, marginally lower number of people are overweight than those being ideal at 35 and over half of inhabitants, respectively. In contrast, this difference between these two weight ranges and obesity is significant at the percentage of 11% and it seems that there are no underweight in this age category. As for middle-aged, only slightly lesser people were overweight at 33% than ideal at 40%, but this disparity were marked when it comes to obesity at 15%. On the contrary, underweight percentage was nowhere near as high as any of these three weight ranges, at just almost 2%. Looking at the age category of 50-59, we can see that obesity experienced a dramatic rise in this group making over half of population in this group. However, percentage of people having an ideal weight were still high and negligibly lower than for obese people at over two fifth of populace of this category. Percent of overweight and underweight were insignificant in comparison making approximately 5% and 1% of this age group, in turn. If we look at elderly (60-69), a huge proportion of them suffer from obesity being 60% of this age group, while percentage of overweight at 35%, is remarkably lower than them. But by addition of 10% of population that struggle with malnourishment, only 5% of seniors enjoy a normal weight range.
The bar chart illustrates the information about the
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weight
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range
of
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different
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age
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groups
of
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people
dwelling in
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Newtown
in the year 2010 and I’ll
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
it by dividing them to below and
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over
49 years
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old
.

Overall
, it stands out from the graph that highest proportion of residents in this town have and
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ideal
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weight
, while obesity has a direct relationship with the age.

Regarding youth (those in their 20-29),
remarkably
higher
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percentage
of them at 70% are in desirable
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weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
range
than those being
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underweight
at 20%, whereas even this proportion of malnourished is far
The word 'to' seems to be wrong here.
too higher
than other
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
Also
, obesity rate at
nearly
3% seems not quit as high as
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overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
at 7%, although both are negligible
in comparison
with
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ideal
ones. With respect to the
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 30-39,
marginally
lower number of
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people
are
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overweight
than those being
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ideal
at 35 and
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over
half of inhabitants,
respectively
.
In contrast
, this difference between these two
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weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ranges
and obesity is significant at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of 11% and it seems that there are no
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underweight
in this
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age
category. As for middle-aged,
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only
slightly
lesser
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people
were
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overweight
at 33% than
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ideal
at 40%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this disparity
were marked
when it
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comes
to obesity at 15%.
On the contrary
,
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underweight
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percentage
was nowhere near as high as any of these three
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weight
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ranges
, at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
almost 2%.

Looking at the
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age
category of 50-59, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that obesity experienced a dramatic rise in this
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group
making
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over
half of population in this
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group
.
However
,
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percentage
of
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people
having an
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ideal
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weight
were
still
high and
negligibly
lower than for obese
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people
at
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over
two fifth of populace of this category. Percent of
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overweight
and
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underweight
were insignificant
in comparison
making approximately 5% and 1% of this
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age
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group
, in turn. If we look at elderly (60-69), a huge proportion of them suffer from obesity being 60% of this
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, while
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percentage
of
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overweight
at 35%, is
remarkably
lower than them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
by addition of 10% of population that struggle with malnourishment,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5% of seniors enjoy a normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
range
.
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IELTS academic weight assessment of inhabitants of Newtown in 2010

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
358 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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