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water usage among 5 cities in Australia

water usage among 5 cities in Australia jb2M1
The data illustrates the price of water in several major cities in Australia in 2004. According to the table, we can see that water prices were stayed unchanged with the increase of water usage in Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney. It cost $0. 98 per kiloliter, which was $0. 14 and $0. 2 higher than it in Brisbane and Melbourne respectively, in Sydney. As for Adelaide and Perth, the cost of water depended on the volume of water usage. When water used by a family less than 125 kiloliters, it cost $0. 42 per liter in both cities. However, it would become much expensive when the volume was over 125 kiloliter, which was $1 per kiloliter in Adelaide and $1. 5 in Perth. Focus on the bill each family paid, household paid $332 for water in Perth in average, which was the highest in all five cities. The costs in Sydney, Adelaide and Brisbane were close, which were $319, $312 and $310 respectively. It cost the least in Melbourne, which was only $253 per family. In conclusion, the city with highest water cost when less than 125 kiloliters was used is Sydney, but Perth if more than 125 kiloliters, which was also the city that each household spend most on water.
The data illustrates the price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
in several major
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cities
in Australia in 2004.

According to the table, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
prices
were stayed
unchanged with the increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
usage in Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
$0. 98 per kiloliter, which was $0. 14 and $0. 2 higher than it in Brisbane and Melbourne
respectively
, in Sydney. As for Adelaide and Perth, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
of
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water
depended on the volume of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
usage. When
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by a family less than 125 kiloliters, it
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cost
$0. 42 per liter in both
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cities
.
However
, it would become much expensive when the volume was over 125
Possible agreement error. The noun 'kiloliter' seems to be countable, so consider using: "kiloliters".
kiloliter
, which was $1 per kiloliter in Adelaide and $1. 5 in Perth.

Focus on the bill each family paid, household paid $332 for
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water
in Perth in average, which was the highest in all five
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. The
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costs
in Sydney, Adelaide and Brisbane were close, which were $319, $312 and $310
respectively
. It
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cost
the least in Melbourne, which was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
$253 per family.

In conclusion
, the city with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
when less than 125 kiloliters was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
is Sydney,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Perth if more than 125 kiloliters, which was
also
the city that each household spend most on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
.
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IELTS academic water usage among 5 cities in Australia

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
210 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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