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US Citizen over 65 from 2010 to 2035

US Citizen over 65 from 2010 to 2035 yN37P
The bar graph represents the percentage of senior citizens of the United States from 2010 to 2035. From 2010, the percentage of US citizens over 65 years is slightly increasing which starts from approximately 12 percent and reaches 20 percent after 25 years. For example, there was almost 12 percent of US citizens above 65 years in 2010 and there will be gentle rise of 2 percent after every 5 years. The graph shows the percentage is increasing with the decreasing rate, where the lowest percentage rate will be in the period of 2030 to 2035. As shown in the figure from in 2030 the expected percentage will be 19 percent. However, there will be only 1 percent change, which rises the population of old citizen of United States at 20 percent.
The bar graph represents the
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percentage
of senior
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citizens
of the United States from 2010 to 2035.

From 2010, the
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percentage
of US
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citizens
over 65 years is
slightly
increasing which
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starts
from approximately 12
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percent
and reaches 20
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percent
after 25 years.
For example
, there was almost 12
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percent
of US
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citizens
above 65 years in 2010 and there will be gentle rise of 2
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percent
after every 5 years. The graph
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shows
the
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percentage
is increasing with the decreasing rate, where the lowest
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percentage
rate will be in the period of 2030 to 2035.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
shown in the figure from in 2030 the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
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percentage
will be 19
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percent
.
However
, there will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
1
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percent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, which rises the population of
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old
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citizen
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the United States".
of United States
at 20
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percent
.

IELTS academic US Citizen over 65 from 2010 to 2035

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
132 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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