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Tourism in Thailand in 2014 to 2017

Tourism in Thailand in 2014 to 2017 m9dWA
The bar graph Illustrates the percentage of tourists who visited Bangkok Zoo, Sea World, Wax museum and China town. Overall it is clear that the number of tourists who visited Bangkok Zoo and Sea World decreased every year, while China town and Wax Museum became more popular until 2007. At first tourists who visited Bangkok Zoo were 50%, but it declined from year to year, and finally reached 5% in 2017. Similary to Sea World which had 70% in 2014, but it fell to 20% during the next three years. Regarding the Wax museum, the number of visitors was about 45% in 2014, but it sharply grew, and in 2016 it reached 80%. Furthermore Wax Museum was the most visited place in 2017 with 70%. Same way China town visitors dramatically went up from 20% in 2014 tu 100% in 2016, but suddenly went down to 10% in 2017
The bar graph Illustrates the percentage of tourists who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
Bangkok Zoo, Sea World, Wax
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
and China town.

Overall
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the number of tourists who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
Bangkok Zoo and Sea World decreased every year, while China town and Wax
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
became more popular until 2007.

At
first
tourists who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
Bangkok Zoo were 50%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it declined from year to year, and
finally
reached 5% in 2017.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Similary
to Sea World which had 70% in 2014,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it fell to 20% during the
next
three years.

Regarding the Wax
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
, the number of visitors was about 45% in 2014,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
sharply
grew, and in 2016 it reached 80%.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
Wax
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Museum
was the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
place in 2017 with 70%. Same way China town visitors
dramatically
went up from 20% in 2014
Possible spelling mistake found.
tu
100% in 2016,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
suddenly
went down to 10% in 2017
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IELTS academic Tourism in Thailand in 2014 to 2017

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
148 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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