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three pie chart are shows the consumption of water by the multiple categories

three pie chart are shows the consumption of water by the multiple categories Owo33
The given three pie chart depicts the information about the usage of water in residential, agriculture and industry by the san Diego, California and through out the globe. To begin with, the rate of the utilization of water for the agriculture purpose by the worldwide is 69%, which is higher as compare to the California and san Diego. Where the ratio is 28% and 17% respectively. Then move to the second category that is industry where the usage of water by the San Diego and worldwide, where the amount are same that is 23%. Whereas, California shows the number 33% that is relatively high as compared to the others. Lastly, for the residential consumption, san Diego contains the large amount as 60% in accordance of California is 39% and the volume of water for the globally is 8%. To sum up all, the uses of water by the various categories are different in term of their purposes.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
three pie
Possible agreement error. The noun 'chart' seems to be countable, so consider using: "charts".
chart
depicts the information about the usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
in residential, agriculture and industry by the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
san Diego
, California and
Did you mean "throughout"?
through out
the globe.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the rate of the utilization of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
for the agriculture purpose by the worldwide is 69%, which is higher
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compare to the California and
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
san Diego
. Where the ratio is 28% and 17%
respectively
.

Then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to the second category
that is
industry where the usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
by the San Diego and worldwide, where the amount are same
that is
23%.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, California
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the number 33%
that is
relatively
high as compared to the others.

Lastly
, for the residential consumption,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
san Diego
contains the large amount as 60% in accordance of California is 39% and the volume of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
for the globally is 8%.

To sum up all, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
by the various categories are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in term of their purposes.
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IELTS academic three pie chart are shows the consumption of water by the multiple categories

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
157 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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