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The worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures

The worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures 3xbVl
The data in the table given represents the global sale of cellular phones of various brands in year of 2005 and 2006. The amount is calculated in percentage. To commence with, Nokia had largest sales among all around 32. 5% in year 2005 which increased by approximately 2. 5% in 2006. While talking about Motorola, second leading company experienced nearly 17. 7% of market trade which got hiked by around 3% in succeeding year. Around, 12. 7 % of revenue was generated by Samsung in 2005 which de-escalate to 11. 8 %. Moving towards Sony Ericsson and L. G. , about 6% of sales was noticed in 2005 which lifted to around 1% for Sony Ericsson and decrease was suffered by L. G. in subsequent year. BenQ Mobile generated lowest shares among all of around 4% in 2005 which declined to around 2% in 2006. To conclude, companies like Nokia, Motorola, Sony Ericsson have increased their sales while remaining companies have experienced a downfall in their sales.
The data in the table
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given
represents the global
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sale
of cellular phones of various brands in
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year
of 2005 and 2006. The amount
is calculated
in percentage.

To commence with, Nokia had
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largest
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sales
among all
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around
32. 5% in
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year
2005 which increased by approximately 2. 5% in 2006. While talking about Motorola, second leading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
experienced
nearly
17. 7% of market trade which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
hiked by
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around
3% in succeeding
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year
.
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Around
, 12. 7 % of revenue
was generated
by Samsung in 2005 which
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de-escalate
to 11. 8 %. Moving towards Sony Ericsson and L. G.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
about 6% of
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sales
was noticed
in 2005 which lifted to
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around
1% for Sony Ericsson and decrease
was suffered
by L. G. in subsequent
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year
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
BenQ
Mobile generated
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lowest
shares among all of
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around
4% in 2005 which declined to
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around
2% in 2006.

To conclude
,
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companies
like Nokia, Motorola, Sony Ericsson have increased their
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sales
while remaining
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have experienced a downfall in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
.
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IELTS academic The worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
167 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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