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The usage of Twitter for different age groups in USA from November 2010 to May 2013

The usage of Twitter for different age groups in USA from November 2010 to May 2013 A3O03
The graph above provides information about Twitter usage by different age groups in USA from November 2010 to May 2013. overall the proportion of people from 18 to 29 got a very fast increase. In addition people aged from 18 to 29 always have used Twitter more than other age groups. On the 10th of november, the percentage of people at the age of 18 to 29 rose by 14% and age from 30 to 49 rose by 7% respectively. Later on, the percentage for the age from 18 to 29 used twitter rose gradually and reached a peak at 32% by the 12th of August, for people from the age of 30 to 49 years old just had some alterations and was at about 32% at the end. Looking at the other two age groups, the percentages of people at the age of older than 65 used twitter peaked at approximately 6% then dropped to 5% at the end, and for people from 50 to 64 years old grew by around 7% over the time.
The graph above provides information about Twitter usage by
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different
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age
groups
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
from November 2010 to May 2013.
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overall
the proportion of
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people
from 18 to 29
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got
a
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very
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fast
increase. In
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addition
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people
aged from 18 to 29 always have
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used
Twitter more than other
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age
groups.

On the 10th of
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november
, the percentage of
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people
at the
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age
of 18 to 29 rose by 14% and
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age
from 30 to 49 rose by 7%
respectively
. Later on, the percentage for the
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age
from 18 to 29
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Possible agreement error. The noun 'twitter' seems to be countable, so consider using: "twitters".
twitter
rose
gradually
and reached a peak at 32% by the 12th of August, for
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people
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 30 to 49 years
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old
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just
had
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some
alterations and was at about 32% at the
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end
.

Looking at the other two
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age
groups, the percentages of
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people
at the
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age
of older than 65
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
twitter peaked at approximately 6% then dropped to 5% at the
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end
, and for
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people
from 50 to 64 years
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old
grew by around 7% over the time.
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IELTS academic The usage of Twitter for different age groups in USA from November 2010 to May 2013

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
176 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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