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The two pie charts compare the percentages

The two pie charts compare the percentages yRQrl
The two pie charts compare the percentages of online sales across different retail sectors in Canada in the two different years, 2005 and 2010. Overall, the online sale of electronic item and home furnishing dropped, however, the craze for food and video games increased during the five years. To begin with, in 2005, the majority of online sales was accounted for electronics and appliance sector with 35%, however, this percentage had dropped to 30% by 2010. During the same five year period, the number of people deciding to buy food and beverages online increased and the transactions went from just 22% to 32%, making it the retail sector with the largest proportion of the online market. In 2005, the home furnishing industry boasted n impressive 25% of the total online sales in Canada. However, by 2010, the figure had fallen considerably to 15%. Interestingly, online sales of video games eventually overtook sales of home furnishing, although video games still represented only 23% of the market
The two pie charts compare the percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
across
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
retail sectors in Canada in the two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years, 2005 and 2010.

Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
of electronic item and home furnishing dropped,
however
, the craze for food and video games increased during the five years.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in 2005, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
was accounted
for electronics and appliance sector with 35%,
however
, this percentage had dropped to 30% by 2010. During the same
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "five-year"
five year
period, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
deciding to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
food and beverages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
increased and the transactions went from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
22% to 32%, making it the retail sector with the largest proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
market.

In 2005, the home furnishing industry boasted n impressive 25% of the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in Canada.
However
, by 2010, the figure had fallen
considerably
to 15%.
Interestingly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of video games
eventually
overtook
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of home furnishing, although video games
still
represented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
23% of the market
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IELTS academic The two pie charts compare the percentages

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
164 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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