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The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010 pdB0
The charts provide information about the retail sectors of online shopping sales in year 2005 and 210 in Canada. The most appealing data is that electronics and appliances were both gave major contribution to Canada online shopping sales. Looking at the first data from 2005, home furnishing became the second major contributor with 25% which only a small difference with food and beverages (22%) while electronics and appliances with 35% became the most wanted category for online shopping in Canada. Whereas video games only gave 18%. Similarly in 2010, electronics and appliances are still the majority for online shopping although it decreased 5%. Followed by food and beverages which were increased 10% from 22% to 32% followed by video games with a slight grew to 23%. While on the contrary, home furnishing decreased significantly from 25% to the last contributor which is 15%.
The charts provide information about the retail sectors of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
sales in year 2005 and 210 in Canada. The most appealing data is that electronics and appliances were both gave major contribution to Canada
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
sales.

Looking at the
first
data from 2005, home furnishing became the second major contributor with 25% which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
difference with food and beverages (22%) while electronics and appliances with 35% became the most wanted category for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
in Canada.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
video games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
gave 18%.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
in 2010, electronics and appliances are
still
the majority for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
although it decreased 5%. Followed by food and beverages which
were increased
10% from 22% to 32% followed by video games with a slight grew to 23%. While
on the contrary
, home furnishing decreased
significantly
from 25% to the last contributor which is 15%.

IELTS academic The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
143 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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