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The two figures below show the rate of criminal convictions among men and women of different ages in the UK and the proportion of male and female prison inmates in the British prison system.

The two figures below show the rate of criminal convictions among men and women of different ages in the UK and the proportion of male and female prison inmates in the British prison system. JNkE
A glance at the figures below reveals the rate of criminal convictions in UK among genders of different ages with a proportion of male and female prisoners in British prison system. Overall, the males are the ones who always conflicts the crimes where females are rarely to do a crime. Compared to the ages, most of them are adults (15-25) in both genders who commits the crimes and becomes the perpetrators in the early age only. According to the prison inmates, the chart clearly shows the males are the one who allocates the crimes and the rates are about 96% where females are only 4%. When it comes to the ages, most of the crimes are done by the adults in both males (16%) and females (5%). After them the experienced people (40- 45) has the crime rates of 8% in males and less than 2% in females. At the age of the retirement only 2% of crimes are done by males where females are none.
A glance at the figures below reveals the rate of criminal convictions in UK among genders of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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ages
with a proportion of male and
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female
prisoners in British prison system.

Overall
, the
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males
are the ones who always conflicts the
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crimes
where
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females
are rarely to do a
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crime
. Compared to the
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ages
, most of them are adults (15-25) in both genders who
Did you mean "commit"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'genders' should be used.
commits
the
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crimes
and becomes the perpetrators in the early
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age
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only
.

According to the prison inmates, the chart
clearly
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shows
the
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males
are the one who allocates the
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crimes
and the rates are about 96% where
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females
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
4%.

When it
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comes
to the
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ages
, most of the
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crimes
are done
by the adults in both
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males
(16%) and
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females
(5%). After them the experienced
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people
(
Consider using an n-dash (half dash), if you want to indicate numerical ranges or time ranges.
40- 45
) has the
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crime
rates of 8% in
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males
and less than 2% in
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females
. At the
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age
of the retirement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
2% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are done
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are none.
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IELTS academic The two figures below show the rate of criminal convictions among men and women of different ages in the UK and the proportion of male and female prison inmates in the British prison system.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
166 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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