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The supplied graph demonstrates the number of overseas travelers who nigrated to the UK for various targets over 20 years till 2009

Generally, the number of people who visited the UK for business targe increased enormously twice, namely to 9 million till 2009, however it fallen to 6, 5 million in the middle in 2004 and rose. In 1989, the number of people visited for holiday purposes was 5 million. But it dropped to 4 million by 1991. But afterwards began to rise slowly and in 1995 increased to 6 million. It remained stable until 1999. And it has grown steeply since 2004, and in 2009 was equal to the number of people visited for business purposes. Namely, the number of people visited for both purposes had increased to 8 million. However it fallen to 7 - million in 2009. In 1989, the number of people who visited to met friends and relatives began at 3. 5 million. And till 2008 had risen sharply to 7 million. However in 2009 it declined substantially to 6 million.
Generally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
the UK for business
Possible spelling mistake found.
targe
increased
enormously
twice,
namely
to 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
till 2009,
however
it
You used a past participle without using any required verb (‘be’ or ‘have’).
fallen
to 6, 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
in the middle in 2004 and rose.

In 1989, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
for holiday purposes was 5
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million
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it dropped to 4
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million
by 1991.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
afterwards began to rise
slowly
and in 1995 increased to 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
. It remained stable until 1999. And it has grown
steeply
since 2004, and in 2009 was equal to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
for business purposes.
Namely
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
for both purposes had increased to 8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
it
You used a past participle without using any required verb (‘be’ or ‘have’).
fallen
to 7
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
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million
in 2009.

In 1989, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visited
to met friends and relatives began at 3. 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
. And till 2008 had risen
sharply
to 7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
in 2009 it declined
substantially
to 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
.
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IELTS academic The supplied graph demonstrates the number of overseas travelers who nigrated to the UK for various targets over 20 years till 2009

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
154 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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