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The provided charts detail the popularity of some operating programs (as of September 2015), and how well tech companies around the world did in the first 2 years since their opening.

The provided charts detail the popularity of some operating programs (as of September 2015), and how well tech companies around the world did in the first 2 years since their opening. r603J
The provided charts detail the popularity of some operating programs (as of September 2015), and how well tech companies around the world did in the first 2 years since their opening. Generally, Android and IOS dominated the whole pie chart with the former having the highest proportion. Meanwhile, in terms of revenue, the difference between the 2 years was significant, and corporations coming from the West made the most money. According to the pie chart, it is crystal clear that both the IOS and Android systems overwhelmed the rest. In particular, Android was utilized the most with the percentage of 53. 37%, while IOS came second with 39. 43%. For the remaining digital applications such as Windows Phone, Symbian, Blackberry OS, and suchlike, they accounted for a total of 7. 2%, which was clearly inferior to the aforementioned systems. As for the column chart, it can be seen that all manufacturers gained more income in their second year of business than their first one. For instance, Tencent QQ working in the portal sector that was located in China only earned under 40 million dollars in their first year; however, over a span of 1 year, this figure quickly soared up to over 80 million. It is worth mentioning that corporations from the West had higher revenue than that of the East. To illustrate this, Linkedin responsible for a professional social network whose headquarter was in the US profited almost 200 million dollars, which outnumbered all 3 eastern tech corporations.
The provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charts
detail the popularity of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
operating programs (as of September 2015), and how well tech
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
around the world did in the
first
2 years since their opening.

Generally
, Android and IOS dominated the whole pie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
with the former having the highest proportion. Meanwhile, in terms of revenue, the difference between the 2 years was significant, and corporations coming from the West made the most money.

According to the pie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
, it is crystal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that both the IOS and Android systems overwhelmed the rest.
In particular
, Android
was utilized
the most with the percentage of 53. 37%, while IOS came second with 39. 43%. For the remaining digital applications such as Windows Phone, Symbian, Blackberry OS, and suchlike, they accounted for a total of 7. 2%, which was
clearly
inferior to the aforementioned systems.

As for the column
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that all manufacturers gained more income in their second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of business than their
first
one.
For instance
, Tencent
Possible spelling mistake found.
QQ
working in the portal sector that
was located
in China
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
earned under 40 million dollars in their
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
;
however
, over a span of 1
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, this figure
quickly
soared up to over 80 million. It is worth mentioning that corporations from the West had higher revenue than that of the East. To illustrate this,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Linkedin
responsible for a professional social network whose headquarter was in the US profited almost 200 million dollars, which outnumbered all 3 eastern tech corporations.
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IELTS academic The provided charts detail the popularity of some operating programs (as of September 2015), and how well tech companies around the world did in the first 2 years since their opening.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
249 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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