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the proportions of graduates from Brighton university in 2019 entering different employment sector

the proportions of graduates from Brighton university in 2019 entering different employment sector KwoD9
The given pie chart illustrates the percentages of different career choices of Brighton university student in 2019 after graduation, 8 types of employment sectors are shown by diagram and they are: education, politics and government, manufacturing, service industries, transportation sports technology, charity, and others Overall, service industries constituted the main choice of students, 33% of graduates tend to enter to this career, while the sport has the lowest rate only 1%. One-third of students had a tendency to the service industry and another significant career choice was the manufacturing industry about (16, 3%). morever, just over 14% of the students selected education field and, 12, 1% of them worked in politics and government. Whereas charity and sport received less attention from student, 3% chose charity and 1%entered to the sport field. In conclusion, service industries were the popular professional option among Brighton university graduates.
The
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given
pie chart illustrates the percentages of
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different
career choices of Brighton university
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student
in 2019 after graduation, 8 types of employment sectors
are shown
by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
diagram and
they are: education, politics and
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government
, manufacturing,
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service
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industries
, transportation
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sports
technology, charity,
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and others


Overall
,
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service
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industries
constituted the main choice of
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students
, 33% of graduates tend to enter to this career, while the
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sport
has the lowest rate
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only
1%.

One-third of
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students
had a tendency to the
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service
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industry
and another significant career choice was the manufacturing
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industry
about (16, 3%).
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morever
,
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just
over 14% of the
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students
selected education field and, 12, 1% of them worked in politics and
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government
.

Whereas charity and
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sport
received less attention from
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student
, 3% chose charity and 1%entered to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
field.

In conclusion
,
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service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
were the popular professional option among Brighton university graduates.
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IELTS academic the proportions of graduates from Brighton university in 2019 entering different employment sector

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
144 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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