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the proportion of New Zealand residents

the proportion of New Zealand residents Xq2PA
The given line graph illustrates how the ratio of New Zealand residents changed into 4 age group starting in 1950, including the projection to the year 2050. At the first glance, it is evident that the New Zealand population over 35 was considerable upward trend, the opposite was true for individuals aged below 34. In addition, the figures are predicted to change until 2050 when the majority of New Zealanders will be between 38 to over 65 years old. Regarding to the age of children (0-14 years old), there was a slight dip from rounghly 30% in to below 25%. This figure fluctuated between 1970 to 2010 prior to falling to 20% in 2020 and predictions show that there will be a dramatic plummet in the proportion of the 0-14 group with only 10% in 2050. Meanwhile, starting at 31% in 1950, the ratio of teenager group (15-34 years old) remained stable over 70 years. This data is not projected to change significantly until 2050. Turning to people aged over 65, we see the population remained stable before climbing to 20% at 2018. and the elderly is expected to soar until 2050 (with 30%). However, people aged 35-64 was exception. The figure was a plateau at 15% in the percentage of residents which is predicted to double in 2050.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
line graph illustrates how the ratio of New Zealand residents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
into 4 age group starting in 1950, including the projection to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2050.

At the
first
glance, it is evident that the New Zealand population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
35 was considerable upward trend, the opposite was true for individuals aged below 34.
In addition
, the figures
are predicted
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
until 2050 when the majority of New Zealanders will be between 38 to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
the age of children (0-14 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
), there was a slight dip from
Possible spelling mistake found.
rounghly
30% in to below 25%. This figure fluctuated
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 1970 and 2010".
between 1970 to 2010
prior to falling to 20% in 2020 and predictions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that there will be a dramatic plummet in the proportion of the 0-14 group with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10% in 2050. Meanwhile, starting at 31% in 1950, the ratio of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
group (15-34 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
) remained stable
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over
70 years. This data is not projected to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
significantly
until 2050.

Turning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aged
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over
65, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the population remained stable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
climbing to 20% at 2018.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
and
the elderly is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to soar until 2050 (with 30%).
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aged 35-64 was exception. The figure was a plateau at 15% in the percentage of residents which
is predicted
to double in 2050.
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IELTS academic the proportion of New Zealand residents

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
219 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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