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The chart shows proportion of working age adults in four countries from 2960 to 2015

The chart shows proportion of working age adults in four countries from 2960 to 2015 2RObb
The given line graph depicts information about the percentage of adult employees in workforce of France, United state, Japan and Germany from 1960 to 2015. Also, the data has been calibrated in percentage. Overall, it is vivid that France, US and Japan followed identical increasing trend in initial years except Germany. To commence with, France witnessed an increase in population of adult workers in 1960, with 65 percent. In 1990, the proportionof adults who were working, reached to peak value with 70percent. Whereas, it decreased steadily despite of fluctuations. However, in 1960, about 62percent and 60percent adult employees accounted in France and Us respectively. Moreover, after 3 decades, in France, the figure remained constant till 2010. Afterthat, it showed. downward trend. In addition, it is estimated that there will be 58 percent adult workers in France in 2050 as compared to Us, with 60percent. Moving further, as in France, Us and Japan, there was an rise in line in 1960 but Germany declined with 64percent workers in 1970. Interestingly, after 1 decade, it increased till 1990 as it acquired approximately similar proportion of employees of Japan and then their was a sharp decrease in line.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
line graph depicts information about the percentage of adult employees in workforce of France, United state,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
and Germany from 1960 to 2015.
Also
, the data has
been calibrated
in percentage.

Overall
, it is vivid that France, US and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
followed identical increasing trend in initial years except Germany.

To commence with, France witnessed an increase in population of adult workers in 1960, with 65
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
. In 1990, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
proportionof
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adults
who were working, reached to peak value with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
70percent
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, it decreased
steadily
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
fluctuations.
However
, in 1960, about
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62percent
and
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60percent
adult employees accounted in France and Us
respectively
.
Moreover
, after 3 decades, in France, the figure remained constant till 2010.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Afterthat
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
downward
trend.
In addition
, it
is estimated
that there will be 58
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
adult workers in France in 2050 as compared to Us, with 60percent.

Moving
further
, as in France, Us and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
, there was
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
rise in line in 1960
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Germany declined with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
64percent
workers in 1970.
Interestingly
, after 1 decade, it increased till 1990 as it acquired approximately similar proportion of employees of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
and then
Did you mean "there"?
their
was a sharp decrease in line.
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IELTS academic The chart shows proportion of working age adults in four countries from 2960 to 2015

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
195 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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