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the proportion of fish and some other meat were consumed

the proportion of fish and some other meat were consumed AJgEM
The line graph illustrates how much fish and several kinds of meat were eaten in a particular European country during a period of 25 years (1979-2004). Overall, l consumption of fish and meat saw downward trends across the board, except for chicken. Fish, in addition to accounting for a small portion of people’s diet at the start of the period, remained the least popular food for the remainder of the years. In 1979, consumption of Beef and Lamb stood at 220 and 150 grams per capita per week respectively. They were alike in that their amount halve during the scenario period, ending at 110 grams for Beef and 70 grams for Lamb. However both of them experienced lots of ups and downs during this 25-year period. Fish was consumed about 65 grams by each individual per week in 1979. In comparison with others, it approximately remained constant until 2004, reaching just below 50 grams. On the other hand, chicken stood at 140 grams and rose considerably by 110 grams per person over the following 25 years, making it the number one food eaten in 2004.
The line graph illustrates how much fish and several kinds of meat
were eaten
in a particular European country during a period of 25 years (1979-2004).

Overall
, l consumption of fish and meat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
downward trends across the board,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
chicken. Fish,
in addition
to accounting for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
portion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s diet at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of the period, remained the least popular food for the remainder of the years.

In 1979, consumption of Beef and Lamb stood at 220 and 150
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grams
per capita per week
respectively
. They were alike in that their amount halve during the scenario period, ending at 110
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grams
for Beef and 70
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grams
for Lamb.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
both of them experienced lots of ups and downs during this 25-year period.

Fish
was consumed
about 65
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grams
by each individual per week in 1979.
In comparison
with others, it approximately remained constant until 2004, reaching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 50
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grams
.
On the other hand
, chicken stood at 140
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grams
and rose
considerably
by 110
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grams
per person over the following 25 years, making it the number one food eaten in 2004.
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IELTS academic the proportion of fish and some other meat were consumed

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
185 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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