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the proportion of females and males visiting a residental swimming pool

the proportion of females and males visiting a residental swimming pool rG1Eo
The provided chart illustrates the proportion of two sexes of a urban area attending a residental pool in 2015. Overall, there were seven age groups in the analysis and in almost all groups, the ratio of females was lower except for the 5 to 14 one. It's conspicuous that the 5 to 14 group had highest percentage of about 42% males and 50% females attending the pool. As can be seen from the chart, from the 5 to 14 group, there was a downward trend in the portion of people attending the swimming pool. However this figure saw a considerably rise from the 55 to 64 and the 65 and over group.
The provided chart illustrates the proportion of two sexes of
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
urban area attending a
Possible spelling mistake found.
residental
pool in 2015.
Overall
, there were seven age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
in the analysis and in almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
, the ratio of females was lower
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
the 5 to 14 one. It's conspicuous that the 5 to 14
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
had
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
percentage of about 42% males and 50% females attending the pool. As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart, from the 5 to 14
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, there was a downward trend in the portion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
attending the swimming pool.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
this figure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a
You used an adverb ('considerably') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('rise') instead of another adjective.
considerably rise
from the 55 to 64 and the 65 and over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
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IELTS academic the proportion of females and males visiting a residental swimming pool

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
112 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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