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the proportion of commuters

the proportion of commuters DYpD6
The given bar charts clearly depicts information regarding the proportion of commuters in 4 particularly mode of transports. The 4 modes include train, car, tube, and bus. Overall, it can be noticeable that there are 2 general trends: an upward and a downward. In deep detail, it can be notice that the percentage of train and that of car experienced the upward trend. To be specific. The percentage of train escalated shortly from 18% in 1960 to 28% in 1980 and then dipped slightly to 22% in 2000. Meanwhile, although there was a dramatic boost from 7% at the beginning to 23% in 1980 and then a wide rise to 38% at the end. Conversely, the proportion of tube and bus underwent the downward trend; there was a modest decrease from 28% in 1960 to 22% in 1980 and then a short increase to 25% in 2000 in the proportion of tube. Likewise, the proportion of bus gradually declined from 38% to 27% in the first 20 years before plunging to 15% at the end of the period.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar charts
clearly
depicts information regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of commuters in 4
particularly
Possible agreement error. The noun 'mode' seems to be countable, so consider using: "modes".
mode
of transports. The 4 modes include train, car, tube, and bus.
Overall
, it can be noticeable that there are 2 general trends: an upward and a downward.

In deep detail, it can be notice that the percentage of train and that of car experienced the upward trend. To be specific. The percentage of train escalated shortly from 18% in 1960 to 28% in 1980 and then dipped
slightly
to 22% in 2000. Meanwhile, although there was a dramatic boost from 7% at the beginning to 23% in 1980 and then a wide rise to 38% at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

Conversely
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of tube and bus underwent the downward trend; there was a modest decrease from 28% in 1960 to 22% in 1980 and then a short increase to 25% in 2000 in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of tube.
Likewise
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of bus
gradually
declined from 38% to 27% in the
first
20 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
plunging to 15% at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period.
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IELTS academic the proportion of commuters

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
178 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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