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The pie charts compare the online shopping sales for retail sectors was consumed by different sources in Canada over the period of five years from 2005 to 2010.

The pie charts compare the online shopping sales for retail sectors was consumed by different sources in Canada over the period of five years from 2005 to 2010. QlLN1
The pie charts compare the online shopping sales for retail sectors was consumed by different sources in Canada over the period of five years from 2005 to 2010. Overall, it is obvious that the percentage of the online shopping sales for retail sectors among four areas changed between 2005 and 2010. While the figure for food and beverage and video games were upward, the opposite was true for two areas. In 2005, the proportion of food and beverage were the same with 22%, but the quantity was increased to 32% in 2010. The rate of video games on internet was rose with 5%, which that of 18% in 2005. By contrast, the percentage for other sectors was went down. The contraction of home finishings had the serious proportion. Whereas, the online shopping sales of four spheres made up 25% in 2005, which decreased to 15% in 2010. There was a considerable decline of 5% in video games and home furnishings in throughout the period surveyed.
The pie charts compare the online shopping sales for retail sectors
was consumed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sources in Canada over the period of five years from 2005 to 2010.

Overall
, it is obvious that the percentage of the online shopping sales for retail sectors among four areas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
between 2005 and 2010. While the figure for food and beverage and video games were upward, the opposite was true for two areas.

In 2005, the proportion of food and beverage were the same with 22%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the quantity
was increased
to 32% in 2010. The rate of video games on internet was rose with 5%, which that of 18% in 2005.

By contrast, the percentage for other sectors was
Consider using a past participle here: "gone".
went
down. The contraction of home
Possible spelling mistake found.
finishings had
the serious proportion. Whereas, the online shopping sales of four spheres made up 25% in 2005, which decreased to 15% in 2010. There was a considerable decline of 5% in video games and home furnishings in throughout the period surveyed.
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IELTS academic The pie charts compare the online shopping sales for retail sectors was consumed by different sources in Canada over the period of five years from 2005 to 2010.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
165 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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