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The chart show the factors affecting work performance

The chart show the factors affecting work performance XyGBY
The bar chart illustrates the answer for survey on factors which influence the work performance in two different age groups. It is clear that two age groups have the same rate for the external as well as internal reasons of team spirit and work environment. The opposite is true for the chance for personal development, relaxed working environment and promotion prospects. They witness a enormous disparity between the group of 18-30 and 45-60 years old. As you can be seen from the chart, all age groups on the team spirit equally impacts to working productivity ( about more than 60%). The similar scenario is true for work environment, with the rate of over a quarter. Besides, there are a small difference in two reasons: competent boss and respect from colleagues. The older groups gain advantage over the younger one ( just under 58% and 55% compare to 50% and 40% respectively). On the other hand, the majority proportion come from the group of 45-60 year-old on“ chance for personal development, relaxed working environment and promotion prospects “. Whereas only the low percentage for the younger age group ( around 40%, 30% and 50% respectively). In addition, money is one of the significant elements which directly affects to work performance with almost the same ratio ( around three- quarters). A similar pattern is also noted on job satisfaction. With regards to job security, the percentage of people at aged 18-30 years old is twice as much as the older age group.
The bar chart illustrates the answer for survey on factors which influence the
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work
performance in two
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different
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age
groups.

It is
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clear
that two
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
have the same rate for the external
as well
as internal reasons of team spirit and
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work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
. The opposite is true for the chance for personal development, relaxed working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
and promotion prospects. They witness
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
enormous disparity between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 18-30 and 45-60 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

As you can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
on the team spirit
equally
impacts to working productivity
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
about more than 60%). The similar scenario is true for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
, with the rate of over a quarter.
Besides
, there are a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
difference in two reasons: competent boss and respect from colleagues. The older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
gain advantage over the younger one
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 58% and 55% compare to 50% and 40%
respectively
).

On the other hand
, the majority proportion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 45-60 year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
on“ chance for personal development, relaxed working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
and promotion prospects “. Whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the low percentage for the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
around 40%, 30% and 50%
respectively
).
In addition
, money is one of the significant elements which
directly
affects to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
performance with almost the same ratio
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
around three- quarters). A similar pattern is
also
noted on job satisfaction.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
job security, the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at aged 18-30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
is twice as much as the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
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IELTS academic The chart show the factors affecting work performance

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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