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The pie charts below show some employment patterns in a develop countries

The pie charts below show some employment patterns in a develop countries Y2jXQ
From an overall perspective, the number of females working in other manual was the highest proportion, whereas managerial and professional job is most worked by males. Similarly, the number of males and females employed in other non-manual sectors is the lowest proportion. When looking at employment patterns of women, 32% of females were employed in other manual jobs, but only 0. 5% works in other non-manual industries. Interestingly, the number of women working in managerial and professional jobs, which is 22%, is twice as high as the number of females employed in general laborious. Besides that, the proportion of women working in the clerical and related jobs makes up 30%, followed by the statistics of people working in craft or similar work and other non-manual work at 4. 5% and 0. 5%, respectively. Turning to work patterns of men, the number of males working in the managerial and professional job is by far the highest at 38%, followed by the indicators of men hired in other manual sectors and craft or similar sectors where they make up 28% and 21%, correspondingly. Surprisingly, the number of men working in general laborers, which constitutes 8%, is slightly higher than the number of men hired in clerical and related work, which is 5%. Furthermore, the number of males employed accounts for a tiny minority which is 2%.
From an
overall
perspective, the
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number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
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working
in
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other
manual was the highest proportion, whereas managerial and professional
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job
is most worked by
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males
.
Similarly
, the
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number
of
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males
and
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females
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employed
in
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other
non-manual sectors is the lowest proportion.

When looking at employment patterns of women, 32% of
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females
were
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employed
in
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other
manual
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jobs
,
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but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
0. 5% works in
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other
non-manual industries.
Interestingly
, the
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number
of women
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working
in managerial and professional
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jobs
, which is 22%, is twice as high as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
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employed
in general
laborious.
Besides
that, the proportion of women
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working
in the clerical and related
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jobs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
up 30%, followed by the statistics of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
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working
in craft or similar
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work
and
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other
non-manual
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work
at 4. 5% and 0. 5%,
respectively
.

Turning to
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work
patterns of
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men
, the
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number
of
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males
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working
in the managerial and professional
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job
is by far the highest at 38%, followed by the indicators of
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men
hired in
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other
manual sectors and craft or similar sectors where they
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make
up 28% and 21%,
correspondingly
.
Surprisingly
, the
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number
of
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men
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working
in general
laborers, which constitutes 8%, is
slightly
higher than the
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number
of
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men
hired in clerical and related
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work
, which is 5%.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
accounts for a tiny minority which is 2%.
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IELTS academic The pie charts below show some employment patterns in a develop countries

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
224 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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Task Achievement: 7.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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