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the pie charts about people using technology

the pie charts about people using technology 96NMx
The pie charts compare 5 percentages of people using technologies in two different countries from Canada and Australia. Overall, there were some changes in the rates of all channels, while the rate of online increased, the others decreased. In particular, in Canada, TV was the most popular technology as it accounted for the largest proportion of the pie chart, at 40%. Coming in the second preferable at 36% of the total was Online. This was followed by Radio which made up 7% and Print was last not least made up 14% of total users. As well as, 3% of not specified technology was also discovered in Canada. Although, in Australia, users of TV reduced to 37% and users of Online was slightly increased to 52%. Furthermore, Radio and not specified users are gradually decreased in Australia to 2% and 2% respectively. Moreover, usage of the Print was slightly shrinked to 7% in Australia.
The pie charts compare 5 percentages of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
using technologies in two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries from Canada and Australia.
Overall
, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the rates of all channels, while the rate of online increased, the others decreased.

In particular
, in Canada, TV was the most popular technology as it accounted for the largest proportion of the pie chart, at 40%. Coming in the second preferable at 36% of the total was Online. This
was followed
by Radio which made up 7% and Print was last not least made up 14% of total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
.
As well
as, 3% of not specified technology was
also
discovered in Canada.

Although, in Australia,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
of TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to 37% and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
of Online was
slightly
increased to 52%.
Furthermore
, Radio and not specified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
are
gradually
decreased in Australia to 2% and 2%
respectively
.
Moreover
, usage of the Print was
slightly
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "shrank", the past tense form of the verb 'shrink'?
shrinked
to 7% in Australia.
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IELTS academic the pie charts about people using technology

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
153 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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