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The pie chart reveals that the newspapers advertising had owned a high percentage after TV and direct mail of the largest proportion of total expenditure by 2005.

The pie chart reveals that the newspapers advertising had owned a high percentage after TV and direct mail of the largest proportion of total expenditure by 2005. dlQV2
Have you ever thought about making known your business in particular? As you know advertising is one of the most popular methods to make them famous in the world, in this chart we are going to compare the different effects of this six ways TV, internet, direct mail, newspaper, magazines and radio advertisements in 2005 until 2006. The pie chart reveals that the newspapers advertising had owned a high percentage after TV and direct mail of the largest proportion of total expenditure by 2005. According the bar chart which delineated the internet broke the score and grown up near a year, by far it had the highest level of all while it was the lowest sum of money previously. Also it is shown the magazines and radio were the two next small rank in these categories. The expenditure of internet had increased significantly to 25% more, In 2005 did not have a great restitution among all them it goes up from the two first place by 2006 that they leveled at 63. 3 and 57. 2 percent more than 1. 5 time. This charts clear the internet had a great restitution and influence of all.
Have you ever
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
about making known your business
in particular
?

As you know advertising is one of the most popular methods to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
in the world, in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
we are going to compare the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
effects of this six ways TV, internet, direct mail, newspaper, magazines and radio advertisements in 2005 until

2006.

The pie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
reveals that the newspapers advertising had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
a high percentage after TV and direct mail of the largest proportion of total expenditure by 2005.

It appears that a preposition is missing after 'According'.
According the
bar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
which delineated the internet broke the score and grown up near a year, by far it had the highest level of all while it was the lowest sum of money previously.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
it
is shown
the magazines and radio were the two
next
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
rank in these categories.

The expenditure of internet had increased
significantly
to 25% more, In 2005 did not have a great restitution among all them it goes up from the two
first
place by 2006 that they leveled at 63. 3 and

57. 2 percent more than 1. 5 time.

Did you mean "these"?
This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
the internet had a great restitution and influence of all.
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IELTS academic The pie chart reveals that the newspapers advertising had owned a high percentage after TV and direct mail of the largest proportion of total expenditure by 2005.

Academic
  American English
7 paragraphs
195 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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