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The pie chart below shows where energy is used in typical Australian household, and the table shows the amount of electricity used according to the number of occupants

The Pie Chart illustrate How much amount of energy will be used by Australian household and gives information about the used of electricity in terms of occupants and its dependence’s how many people lived in one house.   Australia household used most of the energy is Heating, cooling and water heating which is 38 percentage and 25 percentage respectively. Furthmore, Australia household second staged used energy is lighting and Freezers which is 7 percentage. And the third Staged used energy is Cooking and stand by power in between 3 percentage and 4 percentage. In additions, only 16 percentage energy used in other appliances. we saw in the table more then 6 person are lived in one home then used of electricity are greater which is 12, 000 -16, 000 killowatt hours per year. But, only 1people lived in house thus, 5000-6500 electricity are used and 2 People lived in house then 6. 000- 8500 kilowatt. Therefore, one person lived in house electricity consume more and two person lived in one home then used of electricity is less. Overall, most of the energy are giving to Heating and Cooling while 6 or more person used more electricty which is 12, 000 - 16, 000 kilowatt hours per year.
The Pie Chart illustrate How much amount of
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energy
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by Australian household and gives information about the
Did you mean the noun “use”?
used
of
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electricity
in terms of occupants and its
Consider using the plural form here.
dependence’s
how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lived
in one
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house
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Australia household
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
is Heating, cooling and water heating which is 38
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percentage
and 25
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percentage
respectively
.
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Furthmore
, Australia household second staged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
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energy
is lighting and Freezers which is 7
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percentage
. And the third Staged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
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energy
is Cooking and stand by power in between 3
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percentage
and 4
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percentage
. In additions,
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only
16
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percentage
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energy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in other appliances.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
we
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saw
in the table more
Comparison requires “than”, not ‘then’ nor ‘as’.
then
6
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person
are
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lived
in one home
Did you mean “than”?
then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
of
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electricity
are greater which is 12, 000 -16, 000
Possible spelling mistake found.
killowatt
hours per year.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
1people
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lived
in
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house
thus
, 5000-6500
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electricity
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
and 2
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lived
in
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house
then 6.
Consider using an n-dash (half dash), if you want to indicate numerical ranges or time ranges.
000- 8500
kilowatt.
Therefore
, one
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person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lived
in
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house
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electricity
consume more and two
Possible agreement error. The noun ‘person’ seems to be countable, so consider using: “people”, “persons”.
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lived
in one home then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
of
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electricity
is less.
Overall
, most of the
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energy
are giving to Heating and Cooling while 6 or more
Possible agreement error. The noun ‘person’ seems to be countable, so consider using: “people”, “persons”.
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
more
Possible spelling mistake found.
electricty
which is 12,
Consider using an n-dash (half dash), if you want to indicate numerical ranges or time ranges.
000 - 16
, 000 kilowatt hours per year.
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IELTS academic The pie chart below shows where energy is used in typical Australian household, and the table shows the amount of electricity used according to the number of occupants

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
207 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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