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The picture below shows the production technique of red wine

The picture below shows the production technique of red wine o57Jw
The map illustrates the process of producing red wine for the purpose in the drink industry. Overall, there are a total of 10 steps which can be organized into three main steps. These include collecting, fermenting grapes and creating many bottles of wine. Commencing with the first stages, the process involves the grapes being harvested. Subsequently, the grapes are kept in anaerobic condition for 2 to 3 week. Once it is ready, the amount of grapes is put in a crushing machine and transported to the pot ale for the purpose of fermenting with skin. At the following stages, they are separated skins and stems for free run juice. The juice is made into two simultaneous stages, one of them being pressed in the drainer whereas the other is conveyed in a pot ale to ferment again without skin. Regarding the next stage, this mixture has been filtered by a clarification then brought into an oaken cask for manufacturing step within a period off time from about 6 to 24 months. The final stage is that they are being added with acid and sugar in taste adjustment and the bottles of red wine are ready for sale afterward.
The map illustrates the process of producing red wine for the purpose in the drink industry.
Overall
, there are a total of 10 steps which can
be organized
into three main steps. These include collecting, fermenting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grapes
and creating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
bottles of wine.

Commencing with the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stages
, the process involves the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grapes
being harvested
.
Subsequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grapes
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in anaerobic condition for 2 to 3
Possible agreement error. The noun 'week' seems to be countable, so consider using: "weeks".
week
. Once it is ready, the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grapes
is put
in a crushing machine and transported to the pot ale for the purpose of fermenting with skin. At the following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stages
, they
are separated
skins and stems for free run juice. The juice
is made
into two simultaneous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stages
, one of them
being pressed
in the drainer whereas the other
is conveyed
in a pot ale to ferment again without skin.

Regarding the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stage
, this mixture has
been filtered
by a clarification then brought into an oaken cask for manufacturing step within a period off time from about 6 to 24 months. The final
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stage
is that they are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
with acid and sugar in taste adjustment and the bottles of red wine are ready for sale afterward.
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IELTS academic The picture below shows the production technique of red wine

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
198 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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