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The percentages of people in 2010

The percentages of people in 2010 Gl2Kg
The percentages of people in 2010 who did physical exercise constantly in Australia in different age groups is illustrated in the bar chart. the Overall female was more likely to engage in regular physical activity than male. In the youngest age group, it was only showed at this age that male exercised more than female with the total of 52, 8%. After that, in the next age group from 25 and over, female exercised more often than male. It continued to raise up from 47, 7% to 53, 3% but from the age 45 to 54 it decreased until it was 47, 1%. The highest percentage was at the age 45 to 54 with a total of 53, 3 % and was led by women. The lowest number was at the age 35 to 44 years with total number was 39, 5% by men. However, then the percentage of men did regular physical activity went up to 46, 7% but never outdo the female’s percentage. Task 2 These days, there is more and more information in this world and with advances in technology, it is easier to share it. While some people have opinion that sharing information in many areas like scientific research, business, and the academic world is a good thing, others think that some information is too valuable and important to be shared freely. It is certainly true that sharing information to people is important because some of the information is needed to everyone’s life and to development of each person. For example, such as business people who need business theory of business marketing, business development and other business skill sets. By accessing this information freely from any media, it is very helpful for these entrepreneurs to run their company or enterprise. In addition, not everyone has the opportunity to receive an education, so several people will consider studying it on their own. However, there is some information that too valuable and too important to be accessed freely as it relates to human welfare and peace. A case in this point is that it is too risky to share information about the security like how to make an explosive manufacture such as bombs, grenades, and mines. If people can access it freely, several people might use it to do bad things and endanger others. To anticipate this, governments or world committees are needed to sort out the information and the people who can access it. Therefore, I believe that although some information is necessary for people’s lives, some is not. There is some information that poses a high risk in world peace if shared freely.
The percentages of
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people
in 2010 who did physical exercise
constantly
in Australia in
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different
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age
groups
is illustrated
in the bar chart.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
Overall
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female
was more likely to engage in regular physical activity than male.

In the youngest
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age
group, it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
at this
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age
that male exercised more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
with the total of 52, 8%. After that, in the
next
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age
group from 25 and over,
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female
exercised more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than male. It continued to raise up from 47, 7% to 53, 3%
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but
from the
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age
45 to 54 it decreased until it was 47, 1%.

The highest percentage was at the
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age
45 to 54 with a total of 53, 3 % and
was led
by women. The lowest number was at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
35 to 44 years with total number was 39, 5% by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
However
, then the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
did regular physical activity went up to 46, 7%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
never outdo the
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female’s
percentage.

Task 2

These days, there is more and more
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information
in this
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world
and with advances in technology, it is easier to share it. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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people
have opinion that sharing
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information
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
areas like scientific research,
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business
, and the academic
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world
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
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some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is too valuable and
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important
to
be shared
freely
.

It is
certainly
true that sharing
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information
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
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information
is needed
to everyone’s life and to development of each person.
For example
, such as
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business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who need
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business
theory of
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business
marketing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
development and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
sets. By accessing this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freely
from any media, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful for these entrepreneurs to run their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or enterprise.
In addition
, not everyone has the opportunity to receive an education,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will consider studying it on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

However
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
that too valuable and too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
be accessed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freely
as it relates to human welfare and peace. A case in this point is that it is too risky to share
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about the security like how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an explosive manufacture such as bombs, grenades, and mines. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can access it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freely
, several
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people
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
things and endanger others. To anticipate this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
committees
are needed
to sort out the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who can access it.

Therefore
, I believe that although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
is not. There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
that poses a high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace if shared
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freely
.
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IELTS academic The percentages of people in 2010

Academic
  American English
7 paragraphs
437 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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