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the percentage of people working in different sectors

the percentage of people working in different sectors XDADY
The pie charts compare and contrast data on the change in the percentage of people working in three different sectors in 2 town, over a coure 50 years, between 1960 and 2010. Overall, a closer look at the graphs highlight the fact that the proportion of services in the town A witnessed an increase, the opposite was true for that of sales and manuafacturing. In additional, the percentage of sales and services increased while the figure of munuafacturing decreased Looking at the two pie charts in town A in the more detail, the proportion of services began at 29% in 1960 but later climbed significantly to 64% in 2010, which was the highest in the period while the proportion of sales and manuafacturing experienced a considerable downward trend from 30% and 41% in 1960 to 16% and 20% in 2010 respectively. In the town B, starting at 70% during the first year of the period, which was the highest in the 2 town, the percentage of manuafacturing dropped substantially by 17% in 2010. Morewhile, the figure of services saw a rough rise of 15%, which began at 10%. A growth of 2 % was seen in the figure of sales in 2010.
The pie charts compare and contrast data on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors in 2
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town
, over a
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coure
50 years, between 1960 and 2010.

Overall
, a closer look at the graphs highlight the fact that the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
A witnessed an increase, the opposite was true for that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
manuafacturing
. In additional, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
increased while the figure of
Possible spelling mistake found.
munuafacturing
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
decreased


Looking at the two pie charts in
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town
A in the more detail, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
began at 29% in 1960
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
later climbed
significantly
to 64% in 2010, which was the highest in the period while the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
manuafacturing
experienced a considerable downward trend from 30% and 41% in 1960 to 16% and 20% in 2010
respectively
.

In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
B, starting at 70% during the
first
year of the period, which was the highest in the 2
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town
, the percentage of
Possible spelling mistake found.
manuafacturing
dropped
substantially
by 17% in 2010.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Morewhile
, the figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "saws", "sees"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'saw' is not always incorrect.)
saw
a rough rise of 15%, which began at 10%. A growth of 2 % was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 2010.
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IELTS academic the percentage of people working in different sectors

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
202 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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