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The percentage of people eating fruits and vegetables per day in 2001 until 2008

The percentage of people eating fruits and vegetables per day in 2001 until 2008 pJkJD
The chart demonstrates the percentage of individuals in the UK (including men, women, and children) having 5 portions of fruits and vegetables a day between the years 2001 and 2008. Overall, women had the highest rate of consumption throughout all the years, whereas children rated the lowest. In the years 2005 until 2007, the numbers of people in all categories were higher, for example; women were about 32% in 2005, over 33% in 2006, and about 31% in 2007, on the other hand, having lower percentages, men were around 25% and about 29% and 28% in 2005, 2006, and 2007 respectively. On the contrary, children had fewer portions of fruits and vegetables with only 20% in 2005, but increasing in 2006 and 2007 to around 25% to 27% of children having 5 servings per day. During 2001 to 2003, all of the individuals had overall lower intake of fruits and vegetables, with women at around 22%-27% from 2001 until 2003, and the male population had only about 17% for the same period of time, in addition to the younger classes that were just around 12% for the 3 years.
The chart demonstrates the percentage of individuals in the UK (including
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
,
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women
, and
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children)
having 5 portions of fruits and vegetables a day between the years 2001 and 2008.

Overall
,
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women
had the highest rate of consumption throughout all the years, whereas
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children
rated the lowest.

In the years 2005 until 2007, the numbers of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in all categories were higher,
for example
;
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women
were about 32% in 2005, over 33% in 2006, and about 31% in 2007,
on the other hand
, having lower percentages,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were
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around
25% and about 29% and 28% in 2005, 2006, and 2007
respectively
.
On the contrary
,
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children
had fewer portions of fruits and vegetables with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
20% in 2005,
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but
increasing in 2006 and 2007 to
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around
25% to 27% of
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children
having 5 servings per day.

During 2001 to 2003,
Consider using "all the".
all of the
individuals had
overall
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "lowed", "lowered".
lower
intake of fruits and vegetables, with
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women
at
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around
22%-27% from 2001 until 2003, and the male population had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about 17% for the same period of time,
in addition
to the younger classes that were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
12% for the 3 years.

IELTS academic The percentage of people eating fruits and vegetables per day in 2001 until 2008

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
189 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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