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The percentage of Australian men and women from different age groups who were actively involved in physical activity in 2010

The percentage of Australian men and women from different age groups who were actively involved in physical activity in 2010 lLPOJ
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of Australian men and women from different age groups who were actively involved in physical activity in 2010. From the bar chart, we can clearly see that there is a gradual decline in the percentage (from 47. 7 percent to 39. 5 percent) of physical activities by men belonging to the first three different age groups i. e. , 15 to 24, 25 to 34, and 35 to 44. Although, there is an initial declination, the percentage of men's physical activities increased among the next three age groups, 43. 1 percent to 45. 1 percent, and that reached 47. 1 percent. In contrast to that, in terms of women, there is also a gradual rise among the first four age groups. Women belonging to the age group 65 and over were less likely to involved in a physical activity among all the other women's age groups. However, women were more inclined towards physical activities than men in the year of 2010.
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of Australian
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men
and
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women
from
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different
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age
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groups
who were
actively
involved in
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physical
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activity
in 2010.

From the bar chart, we can
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that there is a gradual decline in the percentage (from 47. 7
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percent
to 39. 5
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percent)
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
belonging to the
first
three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
15 to 24, 25 to 34, and 35 to 44. Although, there is an initial declination, the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
increased among the
next
three
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age
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groups
, 43. 1
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percent
to 45. 1
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percent
, and that reached 47. 1 percent.

In contrast
to that, in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, there is
also
a gradual rise among the
first
four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
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Women
belonging to the
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
65 and over were less likely to involved in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
among all the other women's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
However
,
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women
were more inclined towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in the year of 2010.
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IELTS academic The percentage of Australian men and women from different age groups who were actively involved in physical activity in 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
167 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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