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the occupations of employees

the occupations of employees PRKqX
The bar chart illustrates the occupations of employees according to their gender in the UK in the year 2005. In general, males mainly hold positions as traders and managers while women prefer paper works and work in service field. The biggest percentage of men is skilled traders, which is 20%, whereas only 3% of women work in this field. Likewise, service (approximately 15%), administrative and secretarial works ( nearly 23%) are the famous professional for females meanwhiles those jobs have less popularity for male which is 3% and 5% respectively). And also the number of managers and senior officials, process, plant and machine operatives have different proportions based on the sexes. There are only three opportunities occupied have the same amount of genders. Those occupations are professional, associative professional and technical, elementary jobs (11%). There are only three opportunities occupied by the same amount of genders. Professional percentage for males is 14% - women proper is 12%. Associative professional and technical jobs have 15% of men and 13% of women. Especially, elementary occupations’ proper is 11% for both males and females
The bar chart illustrates the occupations of employees according to their gender in the UK in the year 2005.
In general
,
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males
mainly
hold positions as traders and managers while
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women
prefer paper works and
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work
in service field.

The biggest percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
is skilled
traders, which is 20%, whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3% of
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women
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work
in this field.
Likewise
, service (approximately 15%), administrative and secretarial works
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
nearly
23%) are the
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famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
for females
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meanwhiles
those jobs have less popularity for male which is 3% and 5%
respectively
Unpaired symbol: '(' seems to be missing
)
. And
also
the number of managers and senior officials, process, plant and machine operatives have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
proportions based on the sexes.

There are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
three opportunities occupied have the same amount of genders. Those occupations are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
, associative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
and technical, elementary jobs (11%).

There are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
three opportunities occupied by the same amount of genders.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Professional
percentage for
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males
is 14%
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
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women
proper is 12%. Associative
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professional
and technical jobs have 15% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and 13% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
Especially
, elementary occupations’ proper is 11% for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and females
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IELTS academic the occupations of employees

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
180 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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