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The number of people visiting to two music website

The number of people visiting to two music website 73Ran
The line graph describes how many people visited to Music Choiceand Pop Parade from Day1 to Day15 in 2018. Overall, it can be seen that the number of visitors going to Pop Parade and Music Choice increased considerably. Firstly, there was dramatic decline from 110 000 to 40 000 visitors visiting Pop Parade from Day1 to Day7. Then the number of people who went here stay steady in the next two day. The period of Day9 from Day 15 observed a wild fluctuation in that number and the trend was upward from 40000 to about 150 000 society. That number reached a peak of175000 in Day 15. On the other hand, people going to Music choice witnessed fluctuated but the trend was downward in the first 11 days followed by a period of increase in four days later. The number of visitors was from 30000 in day11 to 60000 in day15. The highest visitors of Music choice was over 120000 in day 14.
The line graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describes
how
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many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
visited to
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Music
Possible spelling mistake found.
Choiceand
Pop Parade from Day1 to Day15 in 2018.
Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the
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number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
going to Pop Parade and
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Music
Choice increased
considerably
.
Firstly
, there was dramatic decline from 110 000 to 40 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
visiting Pop Parade from Day1 to Day7. Then the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who went here stay steady in the
next
two day. The period of Day9 from Day 15 observed a wild fluctuation in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
and the trend was upward from 40000 to about 150 000 society. That
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
reached a peak of175000 in Day 15.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
choice witnessed fluctuated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the trend was downward in the
first
11 days followed by a period of increase in four days later. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
was from 30000 in day11 to 60000 in day15. The highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
choice was over 120000 in day 14.

IELTS academic The number of people visiting to two music website

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
163 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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