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The mean temperature and hours of sunshine in London, new york, Sydney during in a year

The mean temperature and hours of sunshine in London, new york, Sydney during in a year Gr6Am
The line diagram and table illustrate the mean temperature and hours of sunshine in London, New York, Sydney during in a year. Overall, London and New York shows an warmer temperature in beginning of month compare to Sydney gives an hot weather in beginning of the month In January, London is more warmer than New York with 5 degree Celsius and 80 degree respectively. But in mid July both cities rise to 30 degree and drop to warmer in December. Although hours of sunshine in new York is 2, 535 and hours of sunshine in London is least 1, 180 respectively. Turning to Sydney start of month it’s 25 degree and slightly drop to 15 in mid of July and it’s goes to 25 and remain same. Sydney is slightly lower than New York that of 2, 473 in hours of sunshine
The line diagram and table illustrate the mean temperature and
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hours
of
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sunshine
in London,
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New
York, Sydney during in a year.

Overall
, London and
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New
York
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
warmer temperature in beginning of month compare to Sydney gives
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
hot weather in beginning of the month

In January, London is
Use only "warmer" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more warmer
than
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New
York with 5
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degree
Celsius and 80
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degree
respectively
.
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But
in mid July both cities rise to 30
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degree
and
Possible agreement error. The noun 'drop' seems to be countable, so consider using: "drops".
drop
to warmer in December. Although
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hours
of
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sunshine
in
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
new York
is 2, 535 and
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hours
of
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sunshine
in London is least 1, 180
respectively
.

Turning to Sydney
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of month it’s 25
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degree
and
slightly
drop to 15 in mid of July and it’s goes to 25 and remain same. Sydney is
slightly
lower than
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New
York that of 2, 473 in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
sunshine
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IELTS academic The mean temperature and hours of sunshine in London, new york, Sydney during in a year

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
141 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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