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the line graph illustates the percentage

the line graph illustates the percentage AP8mM
The line graph illustrates the percentage of young people playing in four different outdoor sports in the South West of England between 1975 and the present day. In general, the percentage of young people taking part in swimming and jogging/running have risen significantly while that of ball games and biking/roller skating have fallen considerably. It is also noticeable that swimming has passed biking/roller skating then ball games to become the most popular outdoor sport now. Looking at the details, it can be seen from the graph that the number of young people who participate in ball games has dropped moderately from 35% in 1975 to 30% in 1990. After that, there has a sharp decline in that of ball games to 20% in the present day. During the same period, there has a dramatic fall in the figure of biking/roller skating from 25% in 1975 to 20% in 1985. Then, the percentage has slightly rose for 5 years from 1985 and there has a steeply decrease from 21% in 1990 to hit a low of 15% now. In contrast, the percentage of swimming and jogging/running have increased. If we look at swimming details, there was a fluctuation from 1975 to 1980 in 15%. After that, it started to grow and hit a peak of 35% at the end of the period. Similarly, the percentage of jogging/running has risen from 7% in 1975 to 13% in 1985, then it has dipped from 1985 to the present day with a 2% increase.
The line graph illustrates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
playing in four
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
outdoor sports in the South West of England between 1975 and the present day.

In general
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
taking part in swimming and jogging/running have risen
significantly
while that of ball
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and biking/roller skating have fallen
considerably
. It is
also
noticeable that swimming has passed biking/roller skating then ball
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to become the most popular outdoor sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

Looking at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the graph that the number of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who participate in ball
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has dropped
moderately
from 35% in 1975 to 30% in 1990. After that, there has a sharp decline in that of ball
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to 20% in the present day. During the same period, there has a dramatic fall in the figure of biking/roller skating from 25% in 1975 to 20% in 1985. Then, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
has
slightly
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "risen".
rose
for 5 years from 1985 and there has a
You used an adverb ('steeply') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('decrease') instead of another adjective.
steeply decrease
from 21% in 1990 to hit a low of 15%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

In contrast
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of swimming and jogging/running have increased. If we look at swimming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, there was a fluctuation from 1975 to 1980 in 15%. After that, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to grow and hit a peak of 35% at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period.
Similarly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of jogging/running has risen from 7% in 1975 to 13% in 1985, then it has dipped from 1985 to the present day with a 2% increase.

IELTS academic the line graph illustates the percentage

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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