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The line graph below gives information about men and women smokers in Bhutan from 1960 to 2000.

The line graph below gives information about men and women smokers in Bhutan from 1960 to 2000. k5Ge2
The linear representation demonstrates the evidence of male and female smokers in Bhutan during 40 years. In general, compared to women smokers men smokers are higher. While coming to the end of the duration males exhibits lower positions and women have a slight increase over the period. In detail, In 1960 male smokers in Bhutan was 600. Then it gradually decreases to 500 by 1980 and it falls continuously and reaches to merely 250 in 2012 In contrast, the number of female smokers was extremely low in 1960 below 100. When after 10 years the female smokers in Bhutan displays a slight increase to 200. Nevertheless, after 5 years the lady smokers had a hike up to 350 in 1975. However, from 1975 to 2000 it plummets drastically to 200.
The linear representation demonstrates the evidence of male and female smokers in Bhutan during 40 years.

In general
, compared to women smokers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
smokers are higher. While coming to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the duration males exhibits lower positions and women have a slight increase over the period.

In detail, In 1960 male smokers in Bhutan was 600. Then it
gradually
decreases to 500 by 1980 and it falls
continuously
and reaches to
merely
250 in 2012

In contrast
, the number of female smokers was
extremely
low in 1960 below 100.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
after 10 years the female smokers in Bhutan displays a slight increase to 200.
Nevertheless
, after 5 years the lady smokers had a hike up to 350 in 1975.
However
, from 1975 to 2000 it plummets
drastically
to 200.
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IELTS academic The line graph below gives information about men and women smokers in Bhutan from 1960 to 2000.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
130 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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