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The line diagram indicated the demand for electricity in England during some of the days in winter and summer

The line diagram indicated the demand for electricity in England during some of the days in winter and summer meNd
The line diagram indicated the demand for electricity in England during some of the days in winter and summer. On the other hand, the pie chart illustrated how electricity is used in an average English home. Overall, the units of electricity fluctuate inconsistently during winter and summer whereas Heating rooms and heating water were mainly used in an average English home. During winter the daily demand rose from 35, 000 units’ t0 39, 000 units for the first 4 hours and declined to 31, 000 units in the duration of 8 hours. After 9 hours the daily demand keep increasing to the peak 42, 000 units in 22 hours and declined to 32, 000 units in 24 hours. During summer, the daily demand of electricity from the start was in 18, 000 units and decreased to 12, 000 units in 9 hours then creased to 21, 000 units in 15 hours. After 15 hours the daily demand dropped to 15, 000 units in 16 hours and fluctuated steadily. In 22 hours the daily demand of electricity increased and dropped to 15, 000 in 24 hours. English household used mainly in heating rooms, heating water compare to others usage which was 52. 5% compare to the less usage which was vacuum and cleaner, food mixer, electric tools 15 %, the second highest usage was ovens, kettles, washing machines 17. 5% compare to 4 others usage and there was 15 % usage for lighting, TV and radio for English household.
The line diagram indicated the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
in England during
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
days in

winter and summer.
On the other hand
, the pie chart illustrated how
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electricity
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in an average

English home.
Overall
, the
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units
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
fluctuate
inconsistently
during winter and summer

whereas
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Heating
rooms and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
water were
mainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in an average English home.

During winter the
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daily
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demand
rose from 35, 000
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units’
t0 39, 000
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units
for the
first
4
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hours
and

declined to 31, 000
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units
in the duration of 8
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hours
. After 9
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hours
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
increasing to

the peak 42, 000
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units
in 22
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hours
and declined to 32, 000
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units
in 24
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hours
. During summer, the daily

demand of
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electricity
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
was in 18, 000
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units
and decreased to 12, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
units
in 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
then

creased to 21, 000
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units
in 15
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hours
. After 15
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hours
the
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daily
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demand
dropped to 15, 000
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units
in
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16 hours
and fluctuated
steadily
. In 22
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hours
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
increased and dropped to

15, 000 in 24 hours.

English household
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
mainly
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
rooms,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
water compare to others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
which

was 52. 5% compare to the less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
which was vacuum and cleaner, food mixer, electric tools 15 %,

the second highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
was ovens, kettles, washing machines 17. 5% compare to 4 others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
and

there was 15 %
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
for lighting, TV and radio for English household.
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IELTS academic The line diagram indicated the demand for electricity in England during some of the days in winter and summer

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
248 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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