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The line chart compares and contrasts data on the differences in the level of employed people including both gender in 6 diverse job parts in 2 different years- 1975 and 1995 measured in thousand people(TP).

The line chart compares and contrasts data on the differences in the level of employed people including both gender in 6 diverse job parts in 2 different years- 1975 and 1995 measured in thousand people(TP). m88xK
The line chart compares and contrasts data on the differences in the level of employed people including both gender in 6 diverse job parts in 2 different years- 1975 and 1995 measured in thousand people(TP). Overall, it is clear that, in 1975 men were well ahead of women in all sectors. Subsequently, in 1995 women had a extreme advancement in some subjects like whole sale, banking and communication. In 1975 men had huge part of stances. As the chart illustrates, men had untouchable record in manufacturing by 700(TP) whereas women employed in half amount. Communication sector experienced a near compatition between 2 sex by roughly 300(TP). Women changed the scenario in 1995 when females had a wonderful progress in mentioned sections. In 20 years women obtained 600 thousand position that got doubled toward 1975. In 1995, men couldn't hold their supremacy in communication After a while women earned 600 thousand vacant position nevertheless men without any improvement had equal amount of 300(TP) in compare of 1975. Other notable difference was in banking that women reduced their remarkable interval with men. Both of them earned 500 thousand place
The line chart compares and contrasts data on the differences in the level of employed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
including both gender in 6 diverse job parts in 2
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years- 1975 and 1995 measured in
Use "a thousand" or use a number before 'thousand'.
thousand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
(TP).

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that, in 1975
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
were well ahead of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in all sectors.
Subsequently
, in 1995
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
had
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
extreme advancement in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
subjects like whole sale, banking and communication.

In 1975
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
had huge part of stances. As the chart illustrates,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
had untouchable record in manufacturing by 700(TP) whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
employed in half amount. Communication sector experienced a near
Possible spelling mistake found.
compatition
between 2 sex by roughly 300(TP).

Women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the scenario in 1995 when females had
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "wonderful progress".
a wonderful progress
in mentioned sections. In 20 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
obtained 600 thousand position that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
doubled toward 1975. In 1995,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
couldn't hold their supremacy in communication After a while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
earned 600 thousand vacant position
nevertheless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
without any improvement had equal amount of 300(TP) in compare of 1975. Other notable difference was in banking that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
their remarkable interval with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. Both of them earned 500 thousand
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
place
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IELTS academic The line chart compares and contrasts data on the differences in the level of employed people including both gender in 6 diverse job parts in 2 different years- 1975 and 1995 measured in thousand people(TP).

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
186 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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