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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. doqd2
The given line graph illustrates the number of men and women workers in year 1975 and 1995 in various employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Most people works in public sector (non-defence) compared to other sectors. In manufacturing sector more male workers is employed compared to female the particular reason for that is, in manufacturing men can lift the heavy machinery that women cannot. In all the 6 sectors men is employed the most, only communications sector has nearly same number of female and male workers. In public sector (defence) less than 50 women is employed whilst, more than 200 men is working in defence. The Finance sector has same ratio of men and women worker as manufacturing sector but it has fewer number of employees. To sum up everything that has been stated so far, it is clear that more male worker are employed than female in Republic of Freedonia.
The
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given
line graph illustrates the number of
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men
and
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women
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workers
in year 1975 and 1995 in various employment
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sectors
of the Republic of
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Freedonia
. Most
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
works
in public
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sector
(
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non-defence
) compared to other sectors.

In manufacturing
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sector
more male
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workers
is
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employed
compared to female the particular reason for
that is
, in manufacturing
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men
can lift the heavy machinery that
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women
cannot. In all the 6
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sectors
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men
is
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employed
the most,
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only
communications
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sector
has
nearly
same number of female and male
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workers
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
public
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sector
(
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
) less than 50
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women
is
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employed
whilst, more than 200
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men
is working in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
. The Finance
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sector
has same ratio of
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men
and
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women
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worker
as manufacturing
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sector
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it has fewer number of employees.

To sum up everything that has
been stated
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so
far, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that more male
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worker
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
than female in Republic of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
.

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
152 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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