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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown. BDG5
The graph illustrates plethora of employement sectors of Republic of Freedonia in the year 1975 and 1995 of both male and female. These sectors are mainly Manufacturing, Communications, Finance/banking, Wholesale and retail trade, Public sector(defence and non defence). Overall, Male and female are much fascinating working in public sector which are non-defence having above 800 male workers and above 600 female workers, however it is quite opposite in public sector defence with upto 200 male workers and less than 100 female workers. The walk of life for women is in public and wholesale trade where as for men vocation is manufacturing. In communications both men and women are intrested since speaking is not dependent on gender. There is an magnificent count of male workers in manufacturing although female workers are not that ample and there is double men working in this sector when compared to female. Moreover female workers are quite good in all the six sectors.
The graph illustrates plethora of
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employement
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sectors
of Republic of
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Freedonia
in the year 1975 and 1995 of both male and
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female
. These
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sectors
are
mainly
Manufacturing, Communications, Finance/banking, Wholesale and retail trade,
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Public
sector(
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
and non
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
).

Overall
, Male and
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female
are much fascinating working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
which are
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non-defence
having above 800 male
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workers
and above 600
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
,
however
it is quite opposite in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
with
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upto
200 male
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workers
and less than 100
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
workers.

The walk of life for women is in
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public
and wholesale trade
Did you mean "whereas"?
where as
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
vocation is manufacturing. In communications both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women are
Possible spelling mistake found.
intrested
since speaking is not dependent on gender.

There is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
magnificent count of male
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workers
in manufacturing although
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
are not that ample and there is double
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
working in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
when compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
are quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in all the six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
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IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
157 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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